silent... no more.

2006-09-06T10:22:00.000+08:00

imagine staring through this blankness for three-quarters of an hour, all the while when you're planning to create an obra maestra of a blog entry, after e x 10^n years [where n is a number from 1 to positive infinity]. and then this happens. well, sh*t just happens. yes, it's natural, but... does anyone love the feeling of being stupid? not me.

so... right. hello again. it's been *ehem* quite a while.

if you're going to pester me regarding my bouts against intellectual stagnation, forget it. i have no honest answers at my disposal. however, there is one thing that i have to say.

i happened to realize what a shame it is to leave my outlet to the world wide web unattended to, without any official announcement or even an informal notice.

thus, for everyone's convenience, i am formally closing this thing for the time being, so as to reduce the time and bandwidth wasted by the reader on visiting this URL. also, it shall remain that way until further notice is given.

but do not misinterpret this as my final farewell to the blogging industry. not yet.

this is your fellow writer, reader, colleague, and friend...

...signing off.

2006-06-24T05:56:00.000+08:00

last thursday, i took a haircut.

hemingway's icebergs.

2006-06-21T16:16:00.000+08:00

sa mata ng madla, ang college student ay dapat naka-uniform para masabing studyante, let alone isang matinong mag-aaral. agreeable ba kayo dyan?

ganito kasi eh. kanina, galing sa PE class, sumakay ako ng jeep papunta sa NIA Village, kung nasan yung bahay namin. syempre, pag nasa jeep, kailangang magbayad. kaya naman pagkaupo ko sa may bandang dulo ng sasakyan...

"manong, bayad ho. isang studyante lang."
"may ID ka 'noy?"

aba, laking gulat ko naman. yan kasi yung unang time na may nagtanong saken ng ganyan sa jeepney. okey lang naman sana eh, kaso wala ako sa UP at hindi maiintindihan ni manong na hawak ko yung form5 ko bilang patunay na mag-aaral nga ako, at dahil...

"wala pa ho, hindi pa po nabibigay samin eh."
"eh ba't di ka naka-uniform?"

tugsh. siguro kung hindi bente yung binigay ko tinanggap na nya yun kaagad. pero wala akong barya nun, at siguro nanghihinayang sya dun sa Php1.50 na maaaring mapasakanya pag napalabas nyang nagsisinungaling ako. ang kaso nga lang, hindi ako nagsisinungaling. at sinabi ko rin naman yung totoo nung ito sinagot ko sa kanya:

"wala naman pong uniform sa paaralan namin eh."
"ha, pwede ba yun?"

oo, alam kong pwede yun, kasi hindi nga ako naka-uniform noh. madali lang sanang sabihin yun, kaso sabat naman itong si manang na nakaupo sa likod ni manong driver, na tumawa pa bago sabihin sa mga pasahero...

"hay nako, mga bata talaga ngayon, nagpapakabarumbado na."

aray naman. matatanggap ko naman sana yun, kasi di maipagkakailang may katotohanan dun... mga dalawang buwan nakalipas nga lang. pero ngayon, hindi. alam ko matinong mag-aaral ako sa ngayon.

at dagdag pa dyan, tumapat pa sa PE day ko ang pangyayaring ito, sobrang pagod talaga ako kasi first day pa lang, at first time kong makagawa ng 23 push-ups sa isang babaan, at first time kong mag-try ng wall climbing kung saan bawal magsalamin kaya hindi ko masyadong nakikita yung inaapakan ko, at first time kong maka-40 sit-ups sa isang minuto... in short, pagod talaga ako sa lahat ng aspetong maisip nyo.

tapos pagbubuntunan ako ng ganun. kaya tingin ko hindi naman nakakagulat nung sinabi ko ito sa kanila, sa isang umaandar na jeepney na punong-puno ng pasahero...

"ah, ganun ba? ngayon naiintindihan ko na kung bakit hindi umuunlad ang bansa natin - dahil mga wala kayong pakialam at masyadong mabilis manghusga! hindi nyo ba alam na sa binabayad nyong buwis sa bayan, isang bahagya nyan ay napupunta sa pagpapaaral ng mga studyanteng tulad ko na hindi kailangang magsuot ng uniporme para maituring na pag-asa ng lupaing tinitirhan at pinamamahayan niyong lahat! at hindi lang yun, dahil lang hindi ako naka-uniporme, dahil hindi pa nabibigay ang ID ko sa akin, at dahil tinawag ko ang sarili ko na "studyante", sasabihin ng manang na ito na barumbado ako?! patawad kung medyo mapambastos na po ako, pero sinabi ko lamang ang totoo!"

pagkatapos nito ay tinignan ko ng mabuti ang bruskong manang, na tila'y gulat na gulat...

"'noy, hindi mo yata nauunawaan ang mga sinasabi mo. magtigil ka na."

natawa naman ako dito sa manang na 'to na masyadong minamaliit ang kabataan ngayon.

"aba, alam na alam ko po kung ano ang mga sinabi ko! at sino naman po kayo para patigilin ako sa pagsabi ng totoo? pinapatigil nyo po ba ako dahil tinamaan ka sa mga sinabi ko? ano po bang gusto niyo, marinig na sabihin kay manong drayber na 'bayad po, isang UP student lang yan'? ano, tingin niyo po nagsisinungaling na naman ako no? heto, tignan nyo po, at pakita niyo na rin kay manong drayber, para maibigay na nya yung dapat na sukli sa akin, para makumbinse ko kayo na hindi ako barumbadong mag-aaral, para maintindihan nyo na wala talagang uniform sa school namin, para malaman nyo na hindi ako nagsisinungaling!... at para na rin magtigil na ako."

linabas ko yung UP form5 ko at pinabigay kay manang, na pinakita naman kay manong driver. nang ibalik ito, nakita ko na may 14 pesos na nakapatong dito.

"salamat po manong."

at tinignan kong muli si manang ng tingin na may halong pang-aasar at pag-intindi, bago ibinulsa ang pera at tumanaw sa labas ng pinto ng jeepney, ng may malaking ngiti at tahimik na bungisngis...

===

naku, ang sama ko talaga. haha. nawa'y unawain nyo ako. (",)

2006-06-19T22:43:00.000+08:00

silence kills. and so does indifference.

how funny. i felt way too withdrawn from the world during my ever-so-long hiatus from the blogging world. of course there were the usual online forums. there still is the famous yahoo! messenger. but the feeling remains - a sense of loneliness engulfing my entirety, or at least a big part of me. until now.

and that's when it finally hit me - it's just time to be back here. and even though i'm still fighting against endless bouts of chronic depression, somehow i feel quite happy to be...

*sigh*

maybe this is how college culture shock takes effect. maybe this is my transition period. but what if that period keeps on and on and on? when do i know that the end has neared, let alone come?

*sigh*

UP aking mahal... mahal nga ba kita? alam mo kasi... mula nung bata pa ako, isang paaralan lang talaga ang pinangarap ko. yung paaralan na mahal ang kulay asul, at mahal ang tuition? oo, yung kapitbahay mo sa katipunan. partida, kinder pa lang ako nun, sa may CDC pa ako nag-aaral. magmumukhang tinakda na akong mag-aral sa bahay ni Oble. pero ibang lugar ang tinitibok ng puso ko, 'tol. alam mo yun, kahit media yun ang ipinapakita sa akin - kelan ba huling nakapasok sa final four ang UP, ha? tsaka kahit ikaw alam mo na di hamak na mas magaganda mga tao sa cheering squad nila. tama ako diba! lintik, lahat nandun na. pagkatapos sana ng high school dun na ako. at risonable rin kung dun ako nag-aral! may scholarship, may ninang na sponsor nila, may mga kasama, pati iilang mga tao na mas mahal ko pa sayo, State U, nandun. pero... sino yung kumupkop sa akin? ikaw. Unibersidad ng Pilipinas. maraming salamat talaga. ngayon pakiramdam ng mga kaibigan kong atenista inindyan ko sila, kasi akala ko talaga sila yung makakasama ko. ngayon, masisisi mo ba ako at nanghihimutok ako ng ganito sayo?

*sigh*

hay. buti na lang lumipas na rin ang isang buwan, nakasanayan ko na yung mga panloob na sentimyento ko. at hayun, narito na ako sa peyups, ang pugad ng mga malayang aktibista, apat na jeepney routes, at street food. orientation dito, orientation doon. lakad. lakad pa. klase. math17. hay, ang saya talaga. pero depressing pa rin ang itsura ng mga atenista sa paningin ko kapag dumadaan sila sa tambayan ng '06. syemay.

*sigh*

Q&A in math17
*bawat mag-aaral pupunta sa "center stage" at magpapakilala. after then pwedeng magtanong ang buong klase at ang prof sa kanya about anything under the sun. turn na ng isang girl...*
boy: brown talaga hair mo?
girl: yeah... bakit?
boy: uhh... wala lang. astig..
prof: o, inlab ka na nyan?!
*taken aback, pero nagblush si boy, tinago sa tawa*
*napansin ni girl, at natripang mag-blush rin*
boy: sir naman!
girl: sir, Q&A lang naman to eh!
prof: eh ba't parang since first day magkatabi na kayo?
*tahimik, tapos tawa pareho si boy at girl*
boy: nagkataon lang... isyu ka sir ah!
*pulang pula na sa katatawa si girl... at si boy*
prof: okey, okey. o [girl], may tanong ako sayo. philosophical question.
girl: ano po yun?
prof: kung maiin-love ka, bakit kay [boy]?
*namula lalo si girl, natahimik*
girl: love team ba to? *tawa* ewan ko!
prof: hay nako. kayo talaga, deny pa. next....

*sigh*

mag-aaral na lang ako ng mabuti... haha, kaya ko yun, akala nyo hindi?!

*sigh*

grabe talaga. ang bagal ng computer ko. alam nyo ba napasukan ng worm ang main server ng Yahoo!?? 200 million users affected, and counting, dahil malamang may email correspondents yang mga yan. sana hindi kayo naapektuhan. wa-epek ang AVG antivirus, at mas lalo na ang norton. wahay.

*sigh*

ang tanda ko na. ilang araw na lang at... syemay. disisyete na ako. sa linggwaheng aleman: Wo alt Ich bin? Ich bin siebenzehn Jahre alt! [How old am I? I'm seventeen years old!] yeah. so... wishlist ko, updated pero walang nadagdag. batiin nyo ako ah!

~~yearlong yogurt supply... i'm starting to crave for breakfast.~~ asa pa.
additional weight... see above; that's the main problem... *i want more.
~~alarm clock... abolish the latecomer moniker! go for early bird!~~ culture shock did the trick.
parker pen refill... so i can use my own parker pen.
~~new password... tired of her 9-letter irc chatnick.~~ when something has been part of your circulation for a long, long time, why bother?
~~new blog layout... way too sad and feministic for an optimist...~~ i guess i got what i wanted.
~~handfan... desired since first day at qcshs' covered court.~~ *check.
cold, hard cash... 50 dollars minimum, ok? kidding... *nasan na?
~~sets of clothes... everyone's sick of me wearing oversized polos.~~ i still love oversized polos.
journal subscriptions... time, newsweek, ~~and reader's digest~~, for that matter.
literature... see ~~lewis, brown,~~ snoopy, calvin and hobbes, garfield, etc.
authentic nike baller... ~~though anklets and braclets would work out fine...~~
head visor... a blue one, perhaps? ~~if not, garter headbands would do...~~
running shoes... rubber, of course; rather have flats than bulky stuff. *i got soled ones. tsk.
~~sandals... slippers are acceptable, but something usable 'till college is nice~~
motor scooter... i love small (and cheap?) modes of transport.
student driver's license... am i too young to drive?
ipod... a poor man's alternative? discman, and cd collection...
digicam... twenty-or-so pictures, four years. nuff' said.
basketball equipment... half-court, official size and height, spalding balls, fiber glass.
cellphone... need one for my smart sim, now neglected. *and now for my globe sim too.
two new computers... 2.8 Ghz, 200 GB, 384 kbps, freecell programs for adults.
~~swiss army knife... 10-20 valuable functions, respectable durability.~~ *i got two.
~~silver-framed glasses... with new scratch-free and high grade lenses!~~
~~acoustic guitar... baby bro' dropped the old one on the floor.~~
own room... need suitable place for all my trash...
~~legitimate girlfriend... a big joke, but still part of the wishlist...~~ ah... walang panahon eh.
world peace... on the long run, this might happen... just might.

*sigh*

baka nga pala maitanong nyo, anong nangyari dun sa priorities ko nung bakasyon? eto.

get some sleep. priority: high
yeah, before i face a tonne of college stuff looming so fast... status quo: ~~near failure.~~ failure.

secure college future. priority: high
we have a no-brainer here. status quo: ~~achieving success.~~ success!

plump up. priority: moderately high
don't wanna enter college standing at 5'8" yet weighing 100 pounds... status quo: ~~achieving success.~~ quite successful.

work for pay. priority: moderate
research drained out all my savings. status quo: ~~achieving success.~~ failure.

keep in touch. priority: moderate
thank God for y!m and unlimited texting. status quo: success.

learn italian. priority: moderately low
something that i really have to do - but not immediately. status quo: dormant.

read, read, read. priority: low
that's right, from alchemist to zorro and everything in between. status quo: undetermined.

*sigh*

para sa mga tatanda na sa june, happy birthday kina: (belated) krizia, beaujez, isadelle, kim, ronald (advanced) angelo, anna cee!!!!

*sigh*

ang ganda naman ng post na ito. sobrang randomized. wahaha.

*sigh*

jaimee faith, salamat. ikaw at ang blog mo na super updated ang nag-encourage saken na gawin to. at pati na rin sa mga umaasa sa blog na ito, sa mga patuloy na nagta-tag. kilala nyo na kung sino kayo, kaya salamat talaga! (",)

*sigh*

salamat sa pakikiramay. pasensya na kung pinagkasya ko dito lahat! aayusin ko na talaga buhay ko, so baka last post ko na ito? or next to the last, or next to the next to the last... whatever. basta. gayahin nyo ako, nagpapakasaya kahit nag-aaral ng mabuti!

2006-05-22T14:15:00.000+08:00

[start new task]

"gabo! gabo!"

i woke up to the annoying voice of my father. and as if that was not enough to rouse me, he then started slapping my face.

"gabo! i-connect mo nga ako sa dsl!"

"unnh..." crap. dsl again. it was half-past nine, my normal wake-up time, and my dad knew that. however, what he did not know was that i stayed up to three in the morning, and i had no intentions of letting him know.

slowly i made my way down the staircase to the desktop, and refreshed the modem settings my dad was so pissed about. then i went back up to our room, when dad struck again:

"maligo ka na, bayaran mo na yung pldt at bayantel natin. bilis, sasabay ka na samin."
"saan po?"
"dyan lang sa may cherry. tapos magpagupit ka na rin."

so much for catching up with some well-needed rest and for my two-month long hair.

[edit task: get a haircut. status quo: success. *sigh.*]
[edit task: secure college future. status quo: success.]
[add task: (blogger updates) 1. ateneo-up dilemma; 2. weblife routine.]
[add task: 3. buy globe sim card.]
[add task: 4. find a "learning italian" virtual module.]
[add task: 5. download avg anti-virus software.]
[set priority 1, 2, 4: moderately low.]
[set priority 3, 5: moderately high.]

arrivederla! (",)

[current task ended.]

2006-05-17T21:43:00.000+08:00

tick... tock... tick tock. clatter-clatter-clatter...

midnight, 17th of may, 2006. the rain was starting again, but my hopes were not high on a continuous rain. it has been so for the past week - we are all witnesses of the peculiar weather; we all have heard of the nursery rhyme which goes "rain, rain, go away, come again another day"; and we all knew that this surge of precipitation will stop ten minutes after the first droplet fell.

a fortnight ago my mood won't be moved by fluctuations in the sky's condition; a week ago i couldn't have welcomed the gusts of wind and water more than with complete exhilariation and relief. any day before this night, i considered myself a resident of cloud nine, and heck-did-i-care about the rain? no.

until this one came. and like a droplet from a dark cloud above, down i went from that white puff of vapor to gravity-bound reality once more. facedown on the ground, pangs of yesterday's memories thundered in my mind. and the rain kept falling, clatter-clatter on solid cement.

then, and finally, it stopped. guess what? poof! i was immediately transported back to my haven on seventh heaven.

=======

alas, you have herewitnessed the wonders of mood swings. at least it's not that hot compared to the temperature two weeks ago...

anyway, business as usual. my vacation was degraded to a simple daily routine, which was not surprising:

i wake up, send a group message to the sun world, buy a broadsheet (usually the philippine star), answer the newsday crossword (that's why i buy the star), take a bath, turn on the desktop computer, launch into the information superhighways of today, make sure no pesky trojans get past the antivirus firewall, check on any upcoming nba games and let the day pass by in peace, with irregular sms, food, and cr breaks in no clear pattern. booh-ring, right?

that's why i thank God for dsl (though faulty), work, errands, and fead (yeah, i was notified through sms that i passed the first screening). suprisingly, i still gained a pound this week. and oh, yeah, thanks to the rain too, for suspending my haircut day twice.

can't wait to do the first day high! ciao! (",)

2006-05-15T16:55:00.000+08:00

now you've seen my previous entry, i hope you're not surprised that it took me about two weeks to arrange bits and pieces for another post. the month of may has just been taxing... and we're not even halfway past it.

i'm tired of playing catch up, so i'll make this short. here's some tidbits regarding the past weeks:

out of town, two weeks ago. we went up to baguio city, stayed there for five days. the sun network didn't go haywire, which was what i expected, and i discovered a wi-fi hotspot for my mom's laptop. initially i stayed with the rest of the family at a house owned by my dad's friend, but the place smelled like a vet clinic for dogs and cats, leading to occasional fits of asthma. the stay lasted for two days, then i was sent to the youth hostel, where i was to participate in this workshop. upon arriving, i was assigned peer leader to this group of six female foreigners, all first-time attendees, giving me enormous hands-on experience on how to push through language barriers (really?)... ended up with six new flowers to my preserved flowers photo album and a happy heart (and pair of lungs).

fead scholarship, about last week. scheduled on a saturday, may 6, set 9:00 in the morning. miraculously, i didn't come in late. nineteen applicants showed up, which happened to be the last batch of applicants for the scholarship; 8-of-19 came from philippine science, one of the eight from bicol. there were two parts in the screening process - an exam and an interview. the first phase was relatively easy, consisting of two sections english and one part math, a total of 110 items. the second phase gave me quite a shock - here i learned that the fead was sponsored by opus dei (yeah, the da vinci's radical catholic antagonists). i think i did fine, because i was able to actually speak in front of the interviewer.

up enrollment, last week. finally after one month of trying to drown oneself in the pre-enlistment hype, i headed monday to up diliman for the enrollment process. arrived there ten minutes early (believe it or not, i'm having success now in time matters); got all my six preenlisted subjects (pure luck); chatted with fellow coursemates (a variety of them, hehehe...) in one very long queue... the buildup was caused by some technical difficulties, with the server computer going down, hooking all the linked computers off the network. the long lines filled the whole as lobby, down to the stairways near the entrance; was able to assess my fees and get my form 5 by 4:30 pm.

freshman orientation, last week. this was the day after my enrollment schedule. arrived at the school of economics 12 noon; was then notified that my form 5 was needed, which i took out from my bag a minute before i left the house. however, i was able to enter the auditorium on request (whatever that's supposed to mean). generally, the whole thing turned out fine, except that unfortunately i wasn't able to grab a seat for the whole time, which lasted 3 hours. there was a tour scheduled after, but i didn't participate in it, mainly due to the fact that i was sick'n'tired of up tours. i regretted not doing so for some undisclosed reason.

that wraps up the past two weeks. hihihi. seryoso, next time aayusin ko na. just so busy.. hay... (",)

2006-05-03T15:48:00.000+08:00

vacation for dummies: my personal agenda checklist

get some sleep. priority: high
yeah, before i face a tonne of college stuff looming so fast...
status quo: near failure.

secure college future. priority: high
we have a no-brainer here.
status quo: achieving success.

plump up. priority: moderately high
don't wanna enter college standing at 5'8" yet weighing 100 pounds...
status quo: undetermined.

work for pay. priority: moderate
research drained out all my savings.
status quo: achieving success.

keep in touch. priority: moderate
thank God for y!m and unlimited texting.
status quo: success.

learn italian. priority: moderately low
something that i really have to do - but not immediately.
status quo: dormant.

read, read, read. priority: moderately low
that's right, from alchemist to zorro and everything in between.
status quo: undetermined.

use the limewire-flashget-dsl combo. priority: low
why this low? i've been doing this since time immemorial, kids!
status quo: doh!

take a haircut. priority: [ridiculously] low
this is merely on the list because my dad told me i ought to have one.
status quo: don't ask.

*** hey, i'm serious about this stuff. believe me!

2006-04-25T19:21:00.000+08:00

[sheesh. it's hard to expand one's daily dimensions without bringing one aspect into the brink of non-existence. my dear blog has just testified to that... for about a month, i guess.]

so... hello again. this will be my first *gasp* entry as an alumni of quezon city science high school. and for starters, i don't feel like an alumnus. maybe it's because when i hear the word alumni, the next thing i think about is gray hair... and obviously, i don't have gray hair. or maybe i fell in love with high school life a bit too much.

looking back to... hmmm... my last month as a non-alumni scientian... err... gosh... things just happened in a very fast pace, i can't remember what had happened... time-warped, i guess...

there was miles, my dear sister, glued and dextrosed to her bed, midway of march... then i lost my cellphone somewhere at sm, dunno where... there was our homeroom, so neat, so clean, yet deserted and empty... followed by a picnic in our so-called soccer field... pratices for the commencement exercises... i, lawrence, and justin exploiting the unlimited dsl and aircon in the computer labs... regular trips to quantum and club synergy... a testimonial dinner (?)... click, click, and flash of cameras and cellphones here and there... scrapbooks, dedication books, letters and post-its... me taking my last haircut as a highschooler, partly because my hair was shaped like an overgrown mushroom... and yes, the graduation rites... a midnight-sharp graduation ball... giving out of report cards... then...

finally, vacation. and eventually, college. there you have it. and of course you should've noticed how dense i've become during the course of those events. everything was just too quick for me, not giving me ample time to cry (let alone shed a tear), be depressed, shocked, or even surprised... no time to emote, nor to react...

well, it's over. nothing much that i could do. no use regretting. thus, i could go on with my life without any sour aftertaste or bitter candy lingering in my mouth.

until next time. (",)

p.s. this is so uncharaceristic of me. i'll promise that next entry'll be a bit more of the usual me.

[yeah, i love this "tough cookie" at "cloud-9" state of mind. i don't just like it, i love it. but that's another story for another entry. ciao!]

2006-03-14T19:27:00.000+08:00

when you want something, all the world conspires in helping you to achieve it...

i reminisced that rainy sunday afternoon, within the confines of a second-floor palma hall room. my hands were numb with cold, yet violently trembling. when the papers were given to each of the fifty-some students seated inside. it was when i said, with half-confidence and pure nervousness...

Lord, alam ko po na itinakda niyo na makapasa ako sa UP.

then, looking at today, a few weeks after the results came out, i still marvel at the impact of those words, considering that back then i still had my doubts. but so it happened, and i'm really thankful...

but, when one would usually breathe a sigh of relief afterwards, mine is a real different case, and i don't want to think about it. not now...

for the meantime, i am student 2006-07148, a future up diliman student that will engage in a four-year bs psychology course in the confines of the college of social sciences and philosophy building, better known as palma hall annex.

praise the Lord. (",)

2006-03-10T09:54:00.000+08:00

[j.s. promenade '06 special correspondent's report: part 2 of 2]

meanwhile, at table number 4 on the left wing of the hall, there was a little commotion, as the seating arrangements were seemingly sabotaged, resulting to some heated discussions. eventually the dissent died down, as everybody started queueing up for servings of fish fillet, buttered vegetables, chicken, rice, and dressing... taste? tolerable, because we have to thank God for the grace. but honestly, my mother's cooking the next night was better...

at centerstage two seniors were broadcasting our very own last will and testament. surprisingly i didn't hear my name strung together with forever-late club, or the likes - a sign of good things to come, or so i thought... then followed the nomination of the royalties and cotillion de honor. the former went unnoticed; the latter, quite spectacular.

then everything else drowned when the lights went out... and when people screaming their uvulas out of their throats. but hell, i stood there at the sidelines, not interested at those fast beats. i walked to the balcony, where one could enjoy the serenity of the night stars... my right pocket started vibrating violently - someone was calling...

=======

take me as you are...
push me off the road...
the silence, i need this time to be with you...

hey, what's wrong with the sound operators? they should understand that the event was not a promenade, not a children's party! but at least they consented to play slow songs. signs of life for 30 minutes, that is, five songs... until... *flash.*

two teacher-attendee-prom organizers appeared at the podium, telling us that they have a few announcements to make, that it would take little but ten minutes. all the students obediently returned to their seats.

an eon and forty-five minutes later, the royalties were selected, the teachers were gleefully clapping as the night celebrities danced on the floor, and the students were busy eating nachos and pasta, waiting for the long night to end...

my watch told me it was 10:50, as they turned off the chandeliers; thus we had one hour to dance who we want. but then mr. dj started racking up these fast beats once more. i managed to stay away from the crowd and call a friend through the haywired sun cellular network. then i had my picture taken. nothing interesting.

=======

oh no, what happened to the mellow aura of the promenade? drowned by the noise, revived thirty minutes later. what the hell is wrong with these guys? add to that a small third year girl making noises on the microphone. well, i couldn't blame her if she was concerned with others' lost apparel... but announcements for photo shoots? cut it out please!

through the rest of the night a freakin' fast song would be played, as if for intermission. why do you think should they put a cueshe song on the playlist? how about a pinoy big brother theme song for a last dance? crazy. and finally, three "last" dances. right, three. what a mess. the gorgeous outfits of people didn't fit the environment... not at all.

=======

what's worse is i didn't get to dance a few people, no, make that a lot of people, due to time constraints. ever heard of a thirty-second dance? yeah right. i had to apologize to that person a gazillion times...

oh, forget it. yeah, it was a mess, but at least i was able to utter some special words to some exceptionally special people.

and yeah, we did have a promenade, though the country outside the halls were in deep turmoil and... anarchic reign? whatever.

p.s. the editor apologizes for not being able to emphasize on some intricate details. he blames it on mental fatigue and long-term memory loss.

2006-02-26T19:16:00.000+08:00

[j.s. promenade '06 correspondent's special report: part 1 of 2]

"mike, palinis naman ng sapatos, please!"

"ayoko nga. ikaw naman gagamit eh."

fine... i muttered to myself, while looking up at our 17-year old wall clock. quarter to five. oh damn, i'll never cram again in deciding whether to participate on social gatherings.

then i rushed down the stairs, brush and rag in hand, where my pair of dirty school shoes lay. start scrubbing... i don't have a choice... dad's shoes must be size ten...

the next time i looked up, the pair still resembled school shoes, and the time was five minutes to five. i dropped the cleaning paraphernalia aside and went straight to the bathroom. they won't be expecting me because of my shoes, anyway...

ouch! why didn't i notice the heater set at 80 degrees celsius?

maybe it's all part of growing up. just like the five o' clock matter that's close to making me freak out...

i emerged out of the shower room five-quarter. oh well, i'm already (in)famous for being like this, right? but dad better arrive here early or else i'm going to strangle myself with this tie, i said to myself. was this part of growing up too?

beep beep beeeeep!! dad just arrived, luckily just in time, because i was about to choke myself with my cravat. however, he really didn't fare better than i did... not until he reknotted it for the seventh time, when the clock read quarter to six. at least we were now ready to go...

=======

six-thirty: a miracle happened. no, we didn't fly through commonwealth avenue, but it was definitely a surprise when i found out that the doors to the function room were still open.

"gab! ang aga mo!"

right there at the entrance of the function room stood two of my classmates whose first names started with the letter d: one wore fiery red, the other, periwinkle blue. i suspected that they were also victims of prom-cramming, so i gratefully escorted the one wearing red through the carpet.

upon fixing ourselves at the designated position, i heaved out a big (silent) sigh of relief. my partner, who held a rose, picked two petals... "itago mo yan ha. gusto kong makita yan sa monday."

gab! ba't naman may flowers ka dyan sa notebook mo???
ahh... ang ganda noh! hindi ko kakalimutan yung mga nagbigay nyan...

=======

"miles! pahiram ng salamin!" i mouthed to a girl wearing a black gown. she drew out of her bag a silver-framed pair.

wow. i reminisced last year's prom, when i wore exactly the same outer apparel, except for my red tie and the glasses.

what will be the difference between today's and last year's? as i pondered on the idea, i secretly picked a yellow daisy from the table vase decors.

ah, yes. the color of my "brooch".

=======

promenade (n.): a social ball exhibiting formality and grandeur; held for a school class towards the end of the academic year; traditionally a coming-out event to adulthood.

the venue: celebrity sports club, capitol hills, quezon city. the first word makes it attractive. ambiance suited for a promenade. lights are way too blinding, however. ventilation is ok. somehow looks smaller compared to gazebo royale. sun cellular signal became a myth.

the program: just like what is expected on a prom: lengthly processions, rose and candle exchanges, dramatic speeches. too much dead space, and otherwise, worthless time spans. started late; in for a cramming session. and i nearly forgot: awardings and cotillion de honor. and the dance, of course.

teacher participation: alarmingly high. minor downside of the event.

student satisfaction: unsatisfactory.

the food: it turned out to be the same with our saturday dinner. the spaghetti and nachos were saviors.

the sound crew: major meltdown. i'll expound on that later.

2006-02-24T10:31:00.000+08:00

a glance at my watch told me that i was in for another late-night lambasting. the glow-in-the-dark hands formed a precise right angle pointing to the west and north. such has been the case for three straight days, so i can't blame them for being too worried.....

however, there were other things to worry about. for one, there's the empty stomach factor, and provided the money constraints, i ought to watch out... two, there's the occassional "kiko kid" that would search your pockets for a 2-peso cigarette minimum, and who knows what else.......

that in mind, i pulled out a favorite contraption of mine. i knew that its swiss army knife's blade was not sharpened or chiseled, but definitely enough for 10 minutes of security. i'd like to see them try, a small voice whispered inside... the thought made me smile for a split-second, but it was more of a worried smile, and it made me grip the utility object harder...

as i pursed my lips and shooed away such notions, i drew out my cellphone to notify my dad of my whereabouts... simultaneouly while crossing mindanao avenue that was under a yellow-light rule. i was accustomed to that habit, and i never had experienced any untowardly incident while doing so... until...

BEEEEEP! BEEEEEP!

THUD.

i felt the swiss knife drop from my hands and my bag swing with violence as a black Honda grazed my backside. not a bit terrified but quite shaken, i turned to face the vehicle, asking myself why is he speeding when the light is yellow? and why did he only start beeping when his side mirror had already crashed against my bag?... seeing that his window is down, i ran back to say a brief 'sorry' to the driver....

kaye, alam mo ba kung ano yung pinakamalaking takot ko?
pwera sa pag-alis ko?
iba pa dun!
hindi eh...
masagasaan yung katabi ko...

UTL-541. The Devil's Honda Civic, i muttered to myself.

after picking up the army knife (which miraculously remained intact) i proceeded to the other side, this time ensuring that i wasn't looking in my cellphone before crossing, and thankful that the Devil knows that he didn't act according to the universal timing...

2006-02-21T22:30:00.000+08:00

i wish i could cheerfully await the coming of spring... but, oh, that's impossible. the month of february proves just that.

why? because everything seems to be a matter of randomized realizations flurrying around in my overworked psyche... like these...

hey, look, it's the month of february! happy valent- oh, i'm rushing... happy birthday to you, snoopy! for your 16th birthday, i give you... the cold shoulder! ain't it lovely? but... do you even know me? by the way, you ought not feel special - you're not the first recipient of such, believe me. so might as well forget me and the silver accessory and the piggy hotdog pillow and august twenty-three and forevermore....... huh? prom? that's ages away! why the fuss? date? oh, no, no date! better if no dance too! i'd rather be with my friends... friends? who are my friends? oh yeah, the usual - those who pound me with knuckles and jackhammers during break time, they who love to make assumptions without any strong bases, and they who give away cold shoulders! who are you to dictate my influx of emotions and thoughts? bah.... as senseless as st. valentine's death anniversary! who is he and why do we commemorate his death when his presence is nowhere to be found? why do guys give flowers on this day? why not on january twelve? man, this world is nuts?... which reminds me... i spent sixty-five pesos for low-quality roses, only to give them to a girl who administers the cold shoulder on me and only cares about the gift and not the giver! isn't one year of absolute pain, idiosyncratic melancholy and martyr-like stupidity enough? why did i let such go down the drain when the freak drowned me with sweet meaningless words? and then i think... and think... and assume... no, that's not right... oh man, she's banging my head over and over to my threshold point of internal hemorrhage! why can't she tell me that i'm a good-for-nothing bloke and that i would be simply of no use to her? vanity, oh yes, all is meaningless, all is nothing, nothing but vanity!!!! next thing i know, i find myself on asteroid b612, watering a rose that i picked up from the rosebushes. it was then i looked at my palm, and exclaimed... how could if forget that roses had thorns? look, i have a scar to nurse, produced by the rose that had the sharpest thorns... but how could i love such a rose? how?!?! then i realize that something painful is bound to happen to me whenever i do something right. why so? because pain is a wonderful gift of God... that's why... maybe i should keep that in mind whenever i plan to do things in the near future... oh... my future! just now that i remembered... hey, i'm a senior! i've got approximately one month left before being upgraded to alumni status... so where does my future lie, after quesci? everyone's freaking about, searching for evasive signs of the first week of february upcat results! and that's including me. for a fact, i have a correspondent at the palma hall annex who calls me on a regular basis... but i'd still call her, upcat or no upcat, no matter... haha! but seriously, i dream of being in the european lowlands, sitting in front of the basilica, admiring the way the doves chase the red sunset, holding hands with the damsel i'll love for the rest of my days... oops! you caught me daydreaming... ahh.. where was i? oh yes, the near future, when there will be dancing, weeping, gnashing of teeth, and last-minute cramming for a bunch of tests... wait... dancing, did i say? well, you ought to know about our j.s. prom, right? so do tell me - what is safer to miss, prom or gradball? i told you, february felt so boring, i'm not even looking forward to our promenade... i haven't even listed myself as one of the attendees... that will be a last minute decision, i suppose... date, you ask? no way. no date! or better, i'm dating all my friends, in a sense... last dance? who cares? let things happen the way they are supposed to come to pass, and learn to keep our noses away! that's the ultimate secret to happiness, because happiness is merely a state of mind! and so is boredom...

conclusion: february might be that boring because we know that march is at hand, and we know what march '06 means to seniors like me. ciao! (",)

p.s. happy birthday to ma. abigail moreno (16), pebbles sanchez (17), jay barcelona (21) and ronnie miguel besas (22)!!!

2006-01-31T20:41:00.000+08:00

in a rare day marked by zero quizzes, project deadlines, CAT training sessions, and the sort, i found myself in a familiar place in front of the desktop, typing the words....

"oi, magkwento ka naman!"

nako, kakasawa na kaya. lagi na lang ganyan eh... kaya ayoko. baket? tatlong dahilan: 1) magkwento ka rin kaya? 2) maniniwala ka ba sa akin? 3)... saka na...

ako, ako. lagi na lang ako. ang galing mo talaga eh. kung makipagusap ka eh parang ako itong di namamansin, itong may sala, itong masama, itong walang pakialam. kaso, di mo ba naisip na... di mo naman ako masisisi?

ahh.. naintindihan mo na siguro yun diba? tama ba ako, tingin mo? ha? sorry kung ganun... nasaktan lang ako eh!

tapos, kunwari, sasabihin ko sayo yung buong katotohanan. ilang beses ko na ring ginawa yun. kaso, ayaw mong maniwala! aba, ngayon naman, sinungaling pa ako. eh ako nga itong di kayang magsinungaling sayo, at dapat alam mo na kung bakit.

alam ko, di rin kita masisisi... sadyang naiinis lang ako dahil walang pwedeng sisihin kundi ako, ako, lagi na lang ako!

hay. eto na nga pala yung huling dahilan. sana may koneksyon pa rin ito sa mga pinagsususulat ko kanina...

naniniwala ka bang dapat respetuhin ang bawat nilalang sa lahat ng aspeto ng buhay?

kasi, naniniwala ako na mas mabuti nang manahimik ang isang taong tulad ko at tulad mo kaysa sa mag-ingay nang lubusan para lamang makasakit ng iba...

tulad mo na lang. hindi ko pa rin alam kung nabubuhay ba ako sa mundo mo. hindi ko alam kung bakit ang lakas ng loob mong magsalita tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na alam mo namang makakasakit ng tao. hindi ko alam kung nangiinis o nangiirita ka lang. hindi ko na alam kung sino ako sayo.

oo, naniniwala akong hindi masama na ipagpaunlakan mo sa buong daigdig na maganda ka, pero parang awa naman, wag sa harap ko. dalawang buwan na lang ako sa impyernong paaralan na ito, pagaanin mo naman sana ang mga dalahin ko.

o mas mabuti pa, magkalimutan na lang talaga tayo. bawas sa sakit ng ulo rin yun... siguro masarap namang magmahal sa isang taong di mo kilala... tingin mo?

intindihin mo po sana na hindi ako galit, dahil hindi ako marunong magalit. siguro nagsawa na siguro ako sa mga mapanlinlang mong mga salita, o hindi ko lang alam ang mga sinusulat ko dahil sinapian ako ni beelzebub, at sana nama'y hindi nga gayon.

ayan, sinabi ko na yung totoo, nagkwento na ako... maniwala ka kaya? o ihahalintulad mo lamang ito sa mga lecheng isyu na napupulot sa tabi-tabi? nasa sayo na yan.

siya nga pala, hindi mo na ako kailangang kausapin ukol dito. ako na lang bahala. mapatawad mo sana ako sa mga nakalagay dito.

and so i end the first month of the new year, january.

kung hei fat choi!

p.s. a very happy birthday to anna karmina g. caballes [feb1]. (",)

2006-01-19T22:10:00.000+08:00

"kuya, ano yan?" my brother curiously quipped, pointing at a pile of dust on the floor.

"wala. gusto mo pakain ko sayo?" i bluntly replied.

and oh, yes, i have all the reasons to be grumpy, that is, from this day on. hey, look, it's january 19, 22 days since i last spoke up. and i believe this is the perfect time to say something, amidst raging adversity and controversy which is just too hard to ignore.

this is the time to cast off worries about physics formulae and failing marks, because i'll fare all the same if i won't address this thing.

so... let me see... what is it about, this time? hmmm.... put it this way. and bear with me, please.

how does it feel when you're the center of absolutely baseless and fictitious rumors? how do you feel when you answer a certain question for maybe, uh, let's say... n times, complete with justification and reasoning, and then you get shooed off because they tell you you're merely an unpredictable, unbelievable imposter? how much more when the false news spreads like wildfire within the bounds of your society?

i can answer that. it's freakin' hell, and i'm just about to freak out. i'm so f****** pissed. damn everyone.

so tell me... given the set of data earlier, is it wrong that i feel like the world's aiming all the WMDs at me, just to make me admit something that i never really felt or believed or experienced or what-have-you, when for all you know, you've been saying the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth all along? yes? then, tell me, please, what the heck am i supposed to do next?

mind you, it's not easy, functioning normally in this condition, like everybody's waiting for you to make a wrong move... can you blame me for being paranoid, when you, all of you, are the root causes of my anguish? who am i to be ignored, Beelzebub? bah!

i've answered your questions, with all due respect. now answer mine!

2005-12-27T22:34:00.000+08:00

at long last, i get to see my desktop computer again... after 10 long days! maybe there's really no place like home... :D i don't care if my father sets me to do troubleshooting tasks on the dvd up to the wee hours of the night, or if i'm forced by mommy to take a haircut before new year's eve... i'm just happy to be back... what's more is i get 300 pesos for doing my grandparent-sitting "chores"...

anyway, on the 29th we'll be heading to 15-degree celsius banawe for some seminars (yeah, i participate in such, don't ask) up to new year's day, and return maybe in time for the resumption of classes. by the way... when IS the resumption of classes?

all that said... happy new year to everyone... and an advanced happy birthday to miss camille joy lintag!!! sige, pakasaya kayo guys! miss ko na kayo! (",)

2005-12-24T23:41:00.000+08:00

hey! ho! howdy! happy holidays!

might as well forgive me for being too ecstatic, but i'm extremely overjoyed for now, about twenty minutes before the clock strikes 12... which means merry christmas to all of you!

maybe it's time to really speak up and return to my normal ways... i mean, three hours of internet surfing over seven days is a crime, right? anyway, the point is... i missed this thing. i haven't been away from my desktop computer this long before...

so, everybody's either outside participating in a mass or inside their houses preparing the noche buena. i'm one of those included in the latter, doing the annual text barrage, all through the very weak sun cellular signal.

andito nga pala ako sa napakaaliwalas na bahay ni lola't lolo, with my immediate family. the others returned to the provinces...

sixteen minutes to go, and we're merely waiting for gramps and granny to come back home from mass. i smell macaroni soup and roast chicken from the kitchen...

and then there comes another text message... hey, i recently found out that it's hard switching between two sim cards...

so that's it. a very merry christmas to you all, says me [and santa claus and fred flintstone in cartoon network...] i love you guys... (",)

*ten minutes left!!!*

2005-12-22T15:05:00.000+08:00

"o, anak, sige ha, magpakatino kang bata ha!"

mga huling katagang ibinigkas ni itay bago ako iwan na mag-isa na may dalang dalawang bag sa tapat ng isang berdeng pinutang bakal noong kinagabihan ng diysembre 17, taong 2005. aba eh, iiwan na nga lang ako dito, kung kausapin pa ako eh parang 7-year old ang kaharap. tignan mo nga naman mga magulang ko. hay...

ito ang siyang gumulong sa isipan ko habang pinilit na dalhin ang di naman gaanong kabigatan na mga bag papasok sa gate na iyon. sinalubong ng aking mga mata ang isang tanawin na, sa loob ng labintatlong taon, ay naging pamilyar na, mula sa de-sementong sahig nito na wala ni isang bakas ng pinturang bahid, sa mga pader at poste nitong yari sa kung anumang bato man yun, ang puntod ni ave maria na tila'y napabayaan sa isang sulok, ang puno ng langka na humaharang sa paningin ng batong puntod, ang mga santan na nakahilera sa may gilid ng pader, ang mga marmol na silya't lamesang baku-bako na ang paanan, ang mga bumbilyang nagpapaaliwalas sa diwa ng pasko tuwing gabi...

maligayang pagdating sa bahay ni lola... at lolo.

ito'y kagawian nang pinagagawa sa akin tuwing panahon ng kapaskuhan - pagbabakasyunin sa lugar, kasama ang iyong mga matatandang kamag-anak, aalagaan sila, papakinggan ang kanilang mga pilosopiya't pagdadada, pagtitiis sa kanilang mga bulyaw at sigaw. hindi sa ako'y mag-isa lang dito, na siya namang aking ikinatuwa nang sinalubong ako ng ilang mga pinsan ko... kahit papano'y may kasama ako sa aking pagdadalamhati, ah este, pagsasaya.

"magandang gabi po sa inyo..." ang siyang malamig kong bati sa aking mga... kasambahay. nariyan ang lolo, nakaupo sa sofa, abalang naglalaro ng solitaryo habang nanonood ng kung anu man yun sa TV. sa gilid niya'y nakaupo ang dalawang pinsan kong babaeng nanghihilot sa kanya, na maituturi ko nang spoiled - alam niyo naman ang mga matatanda ngayon eh, ibibigay lahat sa kanilang mga apong babae... sa kabilang dako'y nariyan ang lola, nakaupo sa rocking chair... dun siya nakaupo halos buong maghapon, ang sakit daw kasi ng katawan niya, may arthiritis yata... parito't pariyan naman ang dalawa kong mga "sanggol" na pinsan, na pinaglalaruan ng apat ng mga pinsang kong lalaki, na siya namang nagsitayuan nang dumating ako... para batukan at sabunutan... ay, joke lang, wala nga pala ako sa paaralan. haaay...

ewan ko ba, pero ayaw na ayaw kong nakikita ang lugar na ito. siguro nga kasalanan na di ako napalapit sa mga sa pamilya ko.... o kasalanan ko ba? hindi ko rin masasabi eh. basta ngayon, ganito na ako. mahal ko pa rin sila, oo... pero alam kong may distansya. nagpapakarebelde ba ako?

hay. pero dahil napadayo na ako dun, wala na akong magagawa kundi manatili...

pagdating ko doon, linapag ko yung mga gamit ko sa isang sulok, at nakiupo sa sahig kasama ng mga pinsan ko, at nanahimik habang nanonood... nang si lolo'y biglang bumulyaw -

"ano ba yan! bihira na nga lang kayo magkakasama, eh TV pa yang inaasikaso niyo! magkwentuhan kayo!"

hay nako. gaya ng lagi. hindi mo nga naman sila masisisi... may punto rin siya. kaso nga lang, alam naman nating ang mga matatanda hindi mapakali pag walang kausap, pag tahimik. kaya nga kami pinadala dun ng mga magulang namin eh, para aliwin sila. yun lang talaga. nakakainis, kaso ano bang magagawa ko?

kaya hayun. tumigil kami sa panonood... pero hindi rin kami nagusap-usap. lintik, di talaga kami malapit sa isa't isa. tapos kung mag-uusap man, eh ano namang topic, babae, porma, laro. di mo sila masisisi, ganun talaga buhay sa probinsya eh, bihira lang silang dumayo sa maynila. ano ginagawa namin? pagkagising, maghihilamos, magkakape, magbabasa ng diyaryo, pupunta sa plaza't maglalaro, uuwi, uutusan at sisigawan ng lolo o lola, manonood ng TV, kakain, maliligo, matutulog. ganun kasimple ang buhay pag sila kapiling mo. ganun kawalangkwenta. bwiset.

buti na lang may cellphone, may telepono, at may mga taong nakakaalala sayo, kahit papano. salamat sa inyo... tapos pagdating ng gabi, hindi ako makatulog. titingin sa relos, aba, alas-tres na. ganito ang buhay ng malayo sa desktop computer ko. buti nga hindi pa ako inaatake ng asthma eh.

naku, tinatamad na akong magkwento. walang pinatutunguhan ang buhay ko dito sa bahay ni lola't lolo. magandang hapon sa inyong lahat...

2005-12-20T09:23:00.000+08:00

[part2....]

"waw! may signal na rin ako sa wakas!" ang mga una kong iniwika noong umaga ng ika-10 ng disyembre, sa loob ng room 7, dormitoryo C ng svd postulancy sa divine word seminary, tagaytay. nakita ko na ako ang huling nagising sa mga nasa kwartong iyon, eh ako ba naman, patulugin mo ng 3:40 ng madaling araw, anong aasahan mo diba?

pero, ayun. pagkatapos maghilamos at magbihis ng matino'y dumeretso kami sa main seminary, kung saan gising na rin ang ilan sa mga kababaihan ng pangkat avogadro-4. sa daan na pinaaliwalas ng sinag ng araw ay kapansin-pansin ang busilak ng mga dilaw at pulang bulaklak...

panandalian lamang kaming nanatili sa seminaryo, pagkat panahon na para sa almusal pagdating namin doon. ang tanging nagawa lamang namin ay kumuha at magpakuha? ng mga litrato...

maya-maya'y tapos na ang almusal namin. dumiretso kami sa dormitoryo, kinuha ang mga gamit, pinagmasdan ang kwartong iyon, tinignan ng mabuti sa huling pagkakataon, at lumabas na, kasama ang mga damit at gamit...

habang ako'y nagmumuni-muni't nagiisip, may kumalabit sa akin - "gab, samahan mo ako pumitas ng mga bulaklak..." sabi nung kaklase ko, si domeng, na siya namang ikinagulat ko [at ikinatuwa na rin]... "sige... may bibigyan ka ba?" tanong ko sa kanya... at di niya na ako sinagot. naglakad na kami palabas at naglibot-libot... ayun, may dalawang sunflower sa ibabaw ng creek. pumitas kami, tig-isa... pero ano nga bang gagawin ko dito? ba't ko ba to kinuha?

maya-maya, naghanap ulit ako ng kasama, kasi nasa postulancy pa lang kami, eh malamang, lanta na yung dilaw na bulaklak. buti na lang si gerald, na nung isang gabi pang nangungulit tungkol dun sa mga sunflower na yun, wala pang nakukuha. naglakad-lakad kami... hanggang sa medyo napalayo na nga, pero may nakita kaming lugar na ubod ng dami ng sunflower... natuwa ako, pumitas pa ako ng tatlo... medyo nakonsensya nga ako, pinapatay ko yung bulaklak... pero di ko pa rin maintindihan, ano bang balak ko dito?

ayan, napa-isip na naman. kaya ang lungkot ng buhay ko eh... pero ano nga ba naman ang magagawa ko? ganun talaga. nung nakarating kami sa seminaryo, nawawala na yung dalawa dun sa mga bulaklak... malas nga naman... pero ayos lang. bumisita kami dun sa room ng mga babae, pwede na kasi, since pauwi na rin... nung naglalakad-lakad ako nalaglag yung isang bulaklak, natanggalan ng tatlong petals. aba eh, sa sobrang gulo ng isip ko, pinitas ko na yung iba pang petals, kinalbo yung bulaklak... at itinapon ito sa harap ng maraming tao. hay.

ayoko na. di ko na kaya... saka na lang ulit yung katuloy. *sigh.* basta, nakauwi rin kami. yun lang.

2005-12-17T07:55:00.001+08:00

[editor's note: this came in way too late... apologies...]

december 9, friday morning. a big pack of fourth years at the covered court started trooping toward the school gates and to their respective buses - half of them wearing their jackets.

maybe it was all excitement, because the tagaytay weather accounted for a 19-degree celsius mark. but basically we were heading to the divine word seminary in tagaytay city via a two-hour trip... for our overnight retreat. and as usual, the road trip span was the best of times... i sat beside the isle once more, thus my food supplies were heavily depleted after an hour.

upon arriving there, we were went straight to the aula magna (with our jackets on), somewhat similar to our very own conference hall, except that it had no bust of the founding father of the institution, arnold janssen (a german), and that it was bigger.

then a guy introduced the organization and the place to the 190 students in the hall, gave a bit of history stuff and lecture, and then went to the more important details (read: schedules and room assignments).

because there were three different places to stay at, the whole batch had to be divided into three... which is where the zone president takes over and [unfairly] assigns the dormitory places, putting 50 boys at the svd postulancy... no hard feelings, my friend, it only seemed like that, but your decisions were not bad, really, you were just doing your job.

so we were transferred to the svd postulancy, a place where parents go for counseling about their families. only three were allowed per room... by the way, as of those moments, a brownout had just ensued. we were led to dorm c, a place with thirteen rooms and one bathroom, enough to accomodate thirty-nine persons. not far from it is a mini-grotto and a gazebo with a punching bag at one of its sides. room no. 7 was just small, containing no lock, one fan, one lightbulb, two closets, two beds merged into one, three pillows and blankets, four hangers, one table and chair, and a piece of tape stuck to the wall saying, "ang pogi ko diba?". me, gerald, and noel picked it because it was just facing domeng, adam, and owen's room 10.

before exploring the outside of the dorm, i took a stroll at the corridors of dorm c, and noticed that yes, there were thirteen bedrooms, but where's room 13? room 14 was at the far end; opposite it was room 12. thus it led us to the conclusion that seminarists believe in numerology.

a bell rang, so we headed to the postulancy dining hall. after a brief prayer and orientation, we helped ourselves to fried chicken and pasta and a cloud 9 bar while wondering whether our classmates were eating the same stuff. but mind you, food at the seminary is good. real good...

by 1:30 we've climbed back up to the main seminary, as we were about to have our first session, to the tune of "making melodies in my heart". then the woman speaker at front introduced us to a prayer dance, known as the "blossom dance", named for its depiction of a flower's life. after that was a session break... and that was just the introductory phase. we walked back downhill to the postulancy, where we had pansit and skyflakes and coffee.

before the trip we were reminded not to bring playing cards, and told that cellphones and food would be kept and stored in a special room until the end of the retreat. the first rule was violated, and the last two weren't implemented in anyway. in room 10 we silently played pusoy dos and ate hi-ro biscuits, before being called again to return to the seminary by 4:30.

we made our way into the aula magna once more, only to find out that the staff was fixing sound system problems, causing a lengthly two-hour delay. there were also swarms of mosquitoes in the area. we were sent to another room, where the session finally started, just in time with the 6 pm angelus, signaled by 15 or so ding-dongs...

the priest, fr. yap (the only one i saw in the customary uniform) did a bit of explaining on the purpose of the event, and then touched on a few topics about shaky student personalities and the like. some broke down into tears after his speech, some were quietly unnerved.

but some probably were thinking about dinner, because it was 7 in the evening, and it was dark on the road back to the postulancy. the trip was rewarding, however, as hot chicken soup awaited us on the tables... all followed by *gasp* another trip uphill to the session hall.

fr. yap was there when we returned. he started talking about relationships, focusing on "the five most important persons in our lives," and this quote: "hindi ang problema ang problema, ang problema ay ang nagdadala." then he made us go through one last activity...

"this requires a bit of maturity..." he stated. "if you don't want to proceed with this activity we can go on with the eucharistic mass..." but everyone wanted to continue...

first, he instructed us to relax... from the feet, to the legs, to the upper body... "and prepare to enter the world of imaginations.... imagine that, kakatapos lang ng retreat... masayang-masaya kayong lahat, at pauwi na kayo... hanggang sa pagdating niyo sa sm..."

my body was starting to tingle due to the numbness by then... "pagdating niyo sa sm, naglalakad na kayo pauwi... nakasalubong mo yung tito mo..." the numb feeling now seemed to possess electric sparks... like i was expecting something... "sabi sayo ng tito mo, si no. 5, patay na..."

beside me i heard some sort of groan... the priest continued torturing each and every person's mind... i imagined that a nearby candy shop saleslady told me no. 4 was dead, a friend informed me about no. 3's fate, my brother said no. 2 died, and upon arriving home, saw the coffin of no. 1... by these times someone was somewhat travailing, someone was banging real hard on her seat, and almost everyone was crying...

except for me, the one beside me, and a few more persons... you might say it's because i was not touched by the speech, or i was a very numb, rational and emotionless person, yada-yada... but i didn't find a reason to cry, but five reasons not to cry, during the imagination span:

1. he presented a very hypothetical case... God loves us all, and i believe he won't allow such disaster to happen...
2. i'm not supposed to cry until i finish high school...
3. i started to think that he was somewhat instilling fear in the students' minds to realize that they love those 5 persons...
4. he himself stated that "it requires a bit of maturity", and i did summon just that...
5. finally, i thought that, "it will happen when it happens, and that's the time i'll start crying..."

behind all that reasoning, i comforted my friends when the priest told us so... while some of the teachers were giving out letters from the students' parents... anyway, i didn't get one, which doesn't really make a difference, because i perfectly know what my parents want to tell me... (",)

and that was the night. after the catholic mass (i and some of my friends stayed outside) we went back to the postulancy... that was about 11:30, and i remember saying earlier that there were no lights down the road... however we got through safely.

then was the time for our midnight shower... hindered by this cute little pup which chewed on my khakis, leaving a small patched hole there, the ever-present reminder of the previous events...

at the shower room, about 5 people were shouting about... "syet ang lamig ng tubig! ba't di gumagana yung heater? tol pahiram naman ng sabon at shampoo!" and all that. i tried the water... and gosh, it was that cold, colder than the tagaytay air... after getting accustomed to the cold, i stayed about seven more minutes in the shower before getting out...

then i went back to the room, where i found my friends and roommates eating tortillos and playing pusoy dos - again. after a few rounds, when the silent ennui started operating, we took a stroll outside the gates of the postulancy grounds, and returned shortly afterwards (conscience-wise or fear? dunno), finally settling in the punching bag-equipped gazebo... that was me, gerald, adam, and domeng. [owen and noel slept early...]

hmmm... as i started kicking the bag, the others started talking about... er, things, what else? some would call it a boys' talk, but it was probably something... deeper, i suppose. the discussion continued even after ma'am awitan instructed us to return to our rooms... it was that lengthly, yet a bit intellectual and greatly confidential. we finally hit the sack by three-thirty.

2005-12-16T18:37:00.000+08:00

bakasyon. unang araw. ika-16 ng disyembre.

di ko pa feel... sobrang aga ng gising ko, lalabas pa kasi, pupunta sa dentista, tapos maggrocery pa... partida may lagnat pa yan... pero salamat na lang rin, buhay pa ako...

mas malala pa diyan, ngayon lang nag-sink ang mga pangyayari nung masaklap na christmas party kahapon... hindi ako mapakali... kahihiyan nga naman talaga yun diba?

hay lintik. anong klaseng pasko ba ang hahantungan ko? wala pa rin akong ganang kumain... tapos papatungan pa ng mga di kilalang nilalang, na wala naman akong pakialam... sumasakit lang ulo ko lalo...

pero sino nga ba naman ako para mang-away diba? siguro naman sasaya rin ang pasko ko. sana lang talaga.

oo, gaya ng sabi ni kapitan toringgoy, magpakasaya na lang tayong lahat, diba?

maligayang pasko sa inyong lahat... at manigong bagong taon? wahaha. (",)

2005-12-16T18:30:00.000+08:00

8:30 ng umaga, huwebes, ika-15 ng disyembre. araw ng huling christmas party ng mga fourth years sa quesci.

9 magsisimula yung party samen. pero, syet, ang sakit ng ulo ko. kagabi pa ito... tapos hindi pa ako nakakagawa ng sulat para sa avo... mapapatawad naman siguro ako ng mga tao diba...

kaya hayan, sige, sulat, pagkatapos i-print, naligo, nagbihis, kumuha ng matinong jacket at umalis ng bahay. di ko naman inaasahang ganun yung mangyayari sa classroom pagkarating ko.

oo, 11:30 na ako dumating. pero, mali ba yung intensyon ko? basta, nakakabadtrip. sorry dun sa mga taong naapektuhan, lalo na kay ma'am villar. hay. pero mula nun di na gumanda araw ko. oo, siguro may mga onting kasiyahan at katuwaan, pero hindi ko talaga na-feel na masaya ako.

tapos bigayan pa nung report cards... boom, 88 ako sa research. bumaba sa lahat ng asignatura. akala ko iiyak na ako. naramdaman kong uminit lalo yung katawan ko. at oo nga pala, hindi pa ako kumakain. nakakawalang gana.

kinailangan bang magpatong-patong lahat ng yun sa isang araw, na gaya ng sabi niyo, dapat memorable at masaya... pero hindi eh. sira na araw ko, ang sakit pa ng ulo ko, nagugutom pa ako. pasensya na.

maligayang pasko na lang sa inyong lahat... pakasaya kayo sa mga bakasyon nyo. eto nga pala yung letter...

minamahal kong mga katoto, kaklase, kabarkada, kapamilya, kapuso, kaibigan…

hay, pasensya na kung late na naman ako… sobrang tinamad akong gumising ng maaga, pagod nung isang araw, puyat pa… tapos naubusan pa ako ng pera, hindi ako nakabili ng regalo para sa inyong lahat, sorry talaga…

pero gaya nga ng sabi nung isa sa wishlist niya, hindi naman mga regalo ang mahalaga sa pagdating ng pasko, pero yung pagmamahal na ipinaparamdam natin para sa isa’t isa… at kayo na rin mismo ang nagsabi na kung may ibibigay man, kahit ano pa yan, basta ba galing sa puso, ayos na.

kaya bilang pasasalamat sa inyong lahat, dito na lang ako babawi, sa isang liham na linakipan ng pagmamahal… pagpasensyahan niyo na talaga ha…

waw, december 15 na… huling christmas party sa ika-apat at ika-huling taon natin sa quesci… kay bilis talaga ng panahon noh? naaalala ko pa yung first day, medyo grupo-grupo pa tayo nun, yung mga bec at curie 3 nga eh, nahihiya pang pumasok sa sarili nilang homeroom, yung isa nga eh, ayaw yatang maging avo nun, nagpapalipat pa sa bec… haha… tapos parang may tensyon pa nga sa pagitan ng isa’t isa, yung nagpapakiramdaman pa, alam niyo na yung ibig sabihin ko…

hay, tapos sari-saring mga pangyayari ang nagdaan, tulad na lang nung filipino week, yung unang pagkakataon na magsasama-sama ang avo-4 sa isang pagtatanghal… tapos yung time na sinermonan tayo ng pagkatagal-tagal ni ma’am erpelo tungkol sa pakikitungo natin sa kapwa avo natin…

siguro pagkatapos nun, dun lang talaga tayo nagsikap bilang avo-4 sa kabuuan… feel ko lang… naalala niyo pa naman yung mga open forums natin, yung mga panahon na pawang mas malakas pa tayo sa casino filipino kung "mag-sugal"… yung mga sinubukan nating gawin para mapalapit sa isa’t isa, ano nga pala yun? yung sabay-sabay tayo lahat kakain, yung mga "good deeds"… siguro hindi nga naipasaptupad yung mga ganung "panukala", pero may foundation na ang avo-4 nun, noon pa lang…

meron pa yung family day natin, yung mga pagkain at "awards" at kung ano pang pa-ek-ek dyan… (onga pala, wala ako nun noh?) uhm… onga pala, pano ba mawawala sa isip nating lahat yung espanyol na si sir justin? (joke lang… yata...) tsaka yung field trip… tapos dumating ang science week, at si "astromon voyanazar" na sobrang nag-cram ang lahat, na kinarir natin ng todo… nag-first pa tayo… diba sobrang saya natin nun? hehe…

at ano nga pala yung pinakalatest na nangyari na hanggang ngayon nakatatak pa rin sa mga isip natin (tama ba?)… yung "nag-second" tayo sa carolfest? nung pinakita natin sa buong quesci na marunong tayong kumanta sa german at latin, at nung nadisqualify tayo dahil sa napakatalentado nating mga bata?

at andyan pa yung mga maliliit na bagay… yung pagtatatag ng "cooperative learning" sa tuwing magkakaron ng summative sa ap at mga problem set sa math? yung sangkatutak na litrato na ipinakuha natin kay kuya raymond(?) nung field trip? eh yung mga libreng french fries at sorbets na nakain niyo, nung mga panahong sobrang depressed tayo? yung mga kris kringle na pinagkaabalahan nating lahat (except dun sa mga hindi nagbigay… tamaan sana kayo!)?

oo, sobrang dami pa ng mga nagdaan, tapos ngayon huling araw na natin magkikita bilang isang klase sa taong 2005… [syet, naiiyak na ako… hahaha… joke lang…] medyo nakakalungkot nga lang, kasi ako, personally, napakarami ko pang gustong sabihin at gawin, pero more than three months na lang… sabi nga ni miles, ang hirap talaga ng pa-graduate na…

hay, salamat sa inyong lahat… sa totoo lang, eto yung pinakamasayang taon ko sa quesci, so far… at dahil yun sa inyong lahat… salamat talaga... [ang drama ko ba?] nauubusan na ako ng sasabihin… ano pa ba? sige na nga, iisa-isahin ko na lamang kayo… sorry nga rin pala hindi ko kinayang gumawa ng tag-isang letter para sa inyong lahat…

hazel b… mamimiss ko yung panggugulo ko sa hair mo… waha… sobrang salamat sa lahat-lahat… at wala pa akong payong! hehehe… marella… hindi ko na alam kung sinong kakambal mo, si nice ba o si gelynne… at ayusin mo naman sana yung blog mo… hehe… namimiss ko na yung pag-ikot-ikot natin sa soccerfield… krizia… ang reyna ng pangingge… pero di ka na yata naglalaro ah… ay ewan… haha… anna cee… former seatmate ko na ubod ng drama… congratz nga pala sayo at sa mga kagrupo mo… salamat sa pakikiramay sa napakalungkot kong buhay, at sa pag-offer ng payong… arvie… isang super-committed na pangulo ng avo-4… mahilig magwalis ng classroom… salamat nga pala’t naappreciate mo yung gift ko sayo…

ruffa… lider naming sa math groupings… nagulat ako sayo dun sa binigay mo saken nung kris kringle… napakagalanteng bata… at napakabait din… salamat po… isadelle… napakatahimik na bata… sana mag-ingay ka naman kahit minsan… jamie… sana tumangkad ka ngayong bakasyon… hehehe… at maayos na rin ang hindi maayos-ayos mong buhok… at tigilan mo na yung drama sa blog mo! bwahaha… miles! sister dearest… saka na yung regalo ko sayo, naubusan ako ng pera, pasensya na… mag-update ka na ng blog mo, inaagnas nay un… matanong nga kita, sino na ba talaga? ang labo mo eh… haha… joke lang… labshu sis… carol… ang seatmate ko na may armalite… at mukhang pumapalit na kay kring-kring sa trono ng panginggera… pero ubod rin ng sipag, napakahusay mo! haha, pagpatuloy mo lang yan…

maikka… sana pumapasok ka ng at least four times a week! sobrang miss ka na po namin! hanggang ym ka na lang naming nakakausap… huhu… eileen… sino na si green? waha, sige ka, hanggang graduation kita kukulitin… coke float ko nga pala ha… jessica… ubod ng sipag na babae… di pa rin nagbabago… di joke lang, ayos lang yan… ipagpatuloy mo nawa ang mabuting gawi… anna l… sorry di ko mabibigay sayo yung bunny sa blue magic na hinihingi mo saken, wala na akong pera… hehehe… saka na lang ulet… cj… ang sobrang healthy kong seatmate… magpataba ka na, para sumaya-saya ka naman… hehe… ay hind, sabay na lang tayo magpataba… advanced happy birthday nga pala sayo… wahaha…

dina… nasa ulan ka pa rin ba? magpatuyo ka na kaya, kung ako sayo… o kaya maghanap ka na ng payong… wahaha… salamat sa pagtitiis saken pag kinukulit kita sa ym… gelynne… ang isa sa mga kambal ni marella… napakabibbong bata… hyperactive… mahusay rin magconduct… pakasaya ka na po sana dun sa fafa mo… waha… abi-abi… salamat-salamat-salamat talaga sa lahat… sa pakikinig sa mga walang kwenta kong pinagsasasabi… ayusin mo na nga rin pala ang hair mo na instant-ayos kuno… peace tayo… haha… clara… ang babaeng walang pahinga… yak… basta matulog ka naman… mahal na mahal ka naman nun ehh, hintayin mo lang siya… diba domeng? natnat… isa ka pa, magpakasaya ka naman sa buhay mo, kalimutan mo na yung student teacher nay un… hehehe…

nice… sorry di ko mabibigay sayo yung naipangako kong balloons… sorry talaga… at sobrang salamat… kahit na nai-issue na tayo dati di ka pa rin lumayo saken… wahahaha… labshu sobra… kamusta mo na lang ako sa mga boylets mo… monica… nagulat talaga ako dun sa swiss knife… salamat sobra… astig ka talaga… hehehe… kacie… pasensya ka na kung wala na akong ginawa kundi asarin ka… ganyan lang talaga ako magmahal… nyak! joke lang, joke lang. wahaha… dana… di ko alam kung baket mo gusto ng curly hair, feel ko di bagay sayo, magmumukha kang lalaki… at oo nga pala, bagay talaga kayo ni ano… wahaha… peace tayo ah… julia… sana ngayong pasko makatanggap ka ng bagong brief… nyahaha, joke lang po!

cleo… medyo mukhang stressed ka rin… makatulog ka sana ngayong bakasyon ng mahimbing at mahaba-haba… hintayin natin yung hp5 na movie… wahaha… kim… akala ko talaga nung una mataray ka, hindi pala… ay hindi, mataray ka pala talaga… peace po! hazel v… nabasa ko lahat ng nasa blog mo… sana sumaya-saya ka na rin… hehehe… klimutan mo na po yung research… noel… sayang hindi ka nakasama nung carolfest… masyado ka kasing committed kay pebs at sa journ eh… pero ayos lang yun… jay… ikaw yung huli kong naaalala na may hawak ng payong ko… wahaha… joke lang… ang galing mo palang tenor… hehehe…

ronnie… bagay talaga kayo nun. wahaha. joke lang! basta di ko kasalanan na kumalat yung issue na yan. kevin… wala ka pa ring ilong. ano ba yan. hahaha… pansin ko ang sipag mo na ngayong mag-aral. good luck na lang… adam… sana naaalala mo pa yung napag-usapan natin noong retreat… hahaha… quiet ka lang ahh… ronald… hindi naman bertdey ni nice ah… pero ang ganda na rin ng idea mo, sige na nga… sana magbati na kayo nung isa pang rj… pasko na naman eh… angelo… angel? hay ewan. ano bang nakain mo’t napakahusay mo na sa math, eh nung first year magka-level lang tayo? wahaha. joke lang po talaga!!!

gerald… kalimutan mo na si ma’am erpelo at yung babaeng taga-pisay... ang ganda-ganda ni ehl-ehy eh… wahaha… at onga pala, nabubulok na blog mo… update naman!... jason, ba’t napaaga punta niyo ng vietnam? tsk… nasan na sapatos ko? wahaha… onga pala, wala ka nang pag-asa kay vg, akin na yun… hahaha. joke lang… owen… toki… sa sobrang magbesprend niyo, iisa lang tanong ko… sino na ba? labo nyo kasi eh, pareho kayo ah… haha, joke lang… domeng… make a move na… ang isang tao’y hindi kayang maghintay ng buong buhay niya… wahaha…

ma’am villar… thank you po sa laging pagpapaalala sa akin na magsikap sa pinoy, kahit hindi ko talaga kaya… salamat rin po sa walang sawang pagsaway niyo sa amin, naiintindihan rin naman po namin kayo ehh…

hayan, natapos ko na rin! di pala ganun kadaling gumawa ng sulat. hmmp. senxa na walang kwenta mga pinagsasasabi ko… maligayang pasko sa inyong lahat… pakasaya kayo ngayong bakasyon… mamimiss ko kayo… god bless sa inyong lahat… mahal na mahal ko kayo, avo-4... (",)(.")(",)

2005-12-12T18:46:00.000+08:00

at long last, i've recovered from my previous entry. i'm not supposed to be evil, right? and so should you. but you should know what we tried to do about it...

after that disastrous tuesday afternoon misfortune, we went straight up to the fourth floor and apparently conceded to defeat through prayer. i was wrong, because after letting go of interlocked hands... aw, man, forget it. half the class were down in tears, a few were venting their frustrations on the blackboard, and all of us were clamoring for vindication and justice. *wow.*

meanwhile, i was pondering about having ice cream, when i met two of my classmates, both sporting unhappy looks. a light bulb flickered to life inside my psyche...

"oy! gusto niyo ng ice cream?" i shouted at the twosome.

they, at an instant, agreed. i was thinking whether to continue with this good deed, when two more. i offered them the former, and i got the same response. with a light heart, i gave away seven more... maybe i was just trying to make them happy, or what, but it gave me a very nice feeling...

then the group went to mcdo, where a pack of classmates were silently and sadly munching fries and sundaes. we joined them and engaged in a long discussion regarding the past few hours' events. then a french fries-barrage ensued, followed by a heartwarming signature parade. this is avogadro-four we're talking about, ladies and gentlemen...

the next day, becquerel-4 ran away as carolfest champions (congrats!) and darwin-4 ended up third (congrats too!). all the fourth-year presentations were exceptionally excellent... forgive me for being biased, by the way.

errr... now what?

uhmm.. did you know that i was once a chubby, cute, and adorable boy? NO? hey, that's an insult. for your information, yes i was... once.

when i came out of my mother's womb, i weighed 6.6 pounds. by the age of two, i had a well-rounded face and physique. age four? i looked like someone who's feeding an alien entity inside me.

so what did happen? mommy and nanny started spoonfeeding the well-rounded person. the round boy almost nearly forgot how to eat on his own... by age four.

thus, the deterioration process. maybe it was all part of the so-called growth gap, from age 4-10... coupled with regular and severe bouts against asthma... age nine, i was confined half a month for pneumonia and tuberculosis.

since then i lost my enthusiasm for eating a lot, and my metabolism rate zoomed sky-high.... and, voila! the present-day gabriel. the only memoirs of my glorious days are a few photo albums...

i've shown some of these photos to my classmates, and they ended up wondering if i am really human. (",)

moving on, you might know that the two following days were regular class days, except for a few highlights, like a math group game, impersonations in filipino, a math long test and a late-night economics make-up debate.

that same night i went with my mom to the grocery to by stuff for the "upcoming" retreat. a belated happy birthday to miss inah mae s. vinluan... (",)

since i'm out of words, a joyous yuletide campaign to all of you... yeah, campaign, which reminds me; i'd like to add to my wishlist a mini-LED laserlight, a sports jacket, and a small bag which could contain my lunch box, wallet, cellphone, a notebook, and three ballpens. ho-ho-ho...

up next: retreat (",)

2005-12-10T22:08:00.000+08:00

but... "beforehand, i would like to state the guidelines for this competition..." said a bespectacled science teacher-judge. those words (not she herself) earned unexplicable silence. several avogadro students exchanged nervous glances...

"a violation of any of these rules would grant an automatic disqualification for the group."

"the choir is supposed to sing two christmas carols, one each in english and filipino. medleys are not allowed, and so are plus-one tapes used in presentations. expensive attires are discouraged."

maybe i've never written anything in this site about sharp, newly-flinted daggers. i strongly feel that now is the right time... three daggers, for starters:

we were not aware of these freakin' guidelines. no one mentioned to us anything about these... they never said anything about using english and filipino only for the songs.

it is not our responsibility to find out what these guidelines are, but it is their obligation to tell us the rules, and tell us way before the contest proper! they're teachers, don't they know that?

moreover, it is our right to know and understand fully what amendments were made even before the students started planning for the event. goodness, they've been holding carolfests for already a long time, so won't it be natural if we students assume that there's nothing new about it?

yeah, right. contests are not about winning. but it's not about losing, too! how much more if your presentation was merely an unannounced intermission number, and all the time you were thinking about winning, or not losing, when you're not really part of the contest after all? hey, image is everything!

so, is it our fault that you feel so insecure, that you don't understand german, and that we do have a gist of what is it about? hell, no! we could've won a protest in such cases. we know we're right.

anyway, what do we get for our hardwork, provided that these new established rules will be, again, strictly implemented?

a full-merit automatic disqualification, special thanks to our music adviser for . a major drop-off from possibly the top 3, to bust. and maybe for added bonuses, invisible stickers at every avogadro student's back, saying "me sore loser."

i repeat: image is everything. you teachers look to us as role models to our colleagues. be real frank and honest, guys... why do we suddenly turn out to be overconfident, underachieving grade-crazy students who have certain knacks for straying from rules?

we're greatly distressed, because we feel like we intentionally stabbed daggers into our backs and slashed our vulnerable throats into oblivion, and we, as talented, capable, sensible and intelligent students, know that it's crazily hypothetical that we'd ever do such.

you teachers talk about justice and fair play and good attitude. now, whaddya think? thank you for being so gracious by placing us fifth, by the way.

the bottom line? maybe next time, if ever there's one, we shouldn't be joining relatively talent-hindering, capability-undermining, sensibility-stupefying and intelligence-ridiculing competitions organized by
lowly, incompetent, blundering and sickening morality-disoriented educators. how disgusting.

2005-12-10T21:09:00.000+08:00

silence. on stage... in front of four teachers, three who had their pens down... and facing the rest of the school, intently waiting for the first note... our first note.

tap. tap. tap.

O Fortune, just as the moon...
You vary your state;
Always increasing, or decreasing...
The detestable life.

O Fortuna... velut Luna...
Statu variabilis;
Semper crescis... aut decrescis...
Vita detestabilis!!!

once more, silence. now... smile! gestured the conductress. she then signaled with her hands, one, two, three...

Joy thou spark from flame immortal,
Daughter of Elysium;
Drunk with fire, o heav'n born goddess,
We invade thy holidom!

a look at the judges: now all four had their arms rested on the table; three put their chins on their palms and their elbows on wood.

Let thy magic bring together,
All whom earth-born laws divide;
All Mankind shall be as brothers,
'Neath thy tender wings and wide!

never mind the judges, but, just look! to the crowd, we're suddenly some objects of interest.

Freude, schöner Götterfunken,
Tochter aus Elysium,
Wir betreten feuertrunken,
Himmlische, dein Heiligtum!
Deine Zauber binden wieder,
Was die Mode streng geteilt;
Alle Menschen werden Brüder,
Wo dein snafter Flügel weilt!

sorry, but I got it wrong; the judges really are the ones to reckon with. basing on their facial expressions...

padum, padum! pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa...

things are not looking good, despite our greater-than-expected-so-far presentation. but, why?

heto na naman yung masayang panahon,
ubas at mansanas na kahon-kahon
said na ang bulsa, pagod pa ang paa
kakahanap ng regalong mura't maganda

heto na naman yung ganitong panahon,
kung 'di kalendaryo ay maalat na hamon
wala na bang iba, fruit cake na luma
exchange gift na diary, chocolate at sabon

mabilis kayo, mouthed the first and leftmost judge. I nearly shook my head in disbelief... something really was wrong, besides the tempo, because we were able to adapt quickly to it...

wala na ba kundi panandaliang saya,
wala na ba kundi ako, ikaw at siya?
nalilimutan natin kung bakit may pasko
isang nagmamahal na Diyos ang sinilang sa mundo!

ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding...

hmm... the judge was right; we were going too fast...

maligayang pasko... maligayang pasko...

shit, i whispered unenthusiastically. we faltered at the end of an otherwise brilliant performance...

...sa inyo!

everyone of us were scratching and shaking our heads in disbelief during our post-chorale
discussion. each had their faults; and surprisingly, to us, it was somehow acceptable.

hayaan niyo na... that seemed to work it out for everyone, until after all seven sections presented, and the results were on the desk waiting to be announced...

2005-12-07T19:07:00.000+08:00

monday, tuesday.

one might think one simply follows the other, but i'd say that is not the case.

the truth is, monday is the exact opposite of tuesday. or maybe that's the case for this week.
let's put it this way... nothing happened in monday, but at least i'm happy. and seemingly, everybody was...

but, alas! here come tuesday. a big event took place... the last major event for the year '05, and how do i feel thereafter? plain sick 'n tired... oh crap!!!

hmmm... maybe something did take place last monday, like the last flag ceremony for the year, part of that the re-institution of the haircut rule for boys, a filipino long test, the coming-out of "voyz avenue", and the practice-for-polishing of different sections for their respective chorale presentations.

but, likewise said earlier, no untoward incident, no major and direct concussions (but there was a second year boy reported to be under coma, God lay His hands on him)... no unlikely event whatsoever. you get the point, right?

tuesday? tension. stress. near-breakdowns. christmas carols, all through happy tunes, and merry tidings, but it makes one think, what are we supposed to be merry of?

some try to find it in the songs, hoping to gain success, but in the end they find out that they weren't really given the chance to succed... they were just a fill-in, a mere intermission number, a group who will be rejected the moment they reach the first note, or say their first word...

and everyone you tell about the misfortune will wave you off and just say...

silenzio! por favor.

which is definitely not the right thing to do. forgive me, but i'll stuff all the words in the next entry. it's just too much, for now.

maybe later, a couple of fellow classmate bloggers will voice out how they feel, and believe me... there's no difference between my opinion and theirs.

did i hear anyone say technicality? shush... trash.

2005-12-06T19:55:00.000+08:00

finally. my first ever official wishlist, an idiot's guide to what to give to me for kris kringles and the likes.

beforehand, i'd like to give a few, uh, er... guidelines. (and forget the idiot line...)

1. the list is ranked in descending order; the least desired first, and it goes progressively...
2. a 7-to-10 word description will be found beside the item, maybe it would help...
3. i know some of these are plainly unattainable... so plese bear with me!
4. all the items that i will not acquire after the yuletide celebrations will be carried over to graduation, then to my 17th birthday, and to next christmas...

so here it goes:

year-long yogurt supply... i'm starting to crave for breakfast.
additional weight... see above; that's the culprit, see...
alarm clock... abolish the latecomer moniker! go for early bird!
parker pen refill... so i can use my own parker pen.
new password... tired of her 9-letter irc chatnick.
new blog layout... way too sad and feministic for an optimist...
handfan... desired since first day at qcshs' covered court
hard, cold cash... 50 dollars minimum, ok? kidding...
sets of clothes... everyone's sick of me wearing oversized polos.
journal subscriptions... time, newsweek, and reader's digest, for that matter.
literature... see lewis, brown, snoopy, calvin and hobbes, garfield
nike baller... though anklets and braclets would work out fine...
head visor... a blue one, perhaps? if not, garter headbands would do...
running shoes... rubber, of course; rather have flats than bulky stuff.
sandals... slippers are acceptable, but something usable 'till college is nice
motor scooter... i love small (and cheap?) modes of transport.
student driver's license... am i too young to drive?
ipod... or maybe, discman and cd collections?
digicam... twenty-or-so pictures, four years. nuff' said.
basketball equipment... half-court, official size and height, spalding balls, fiber glass.
cellphone... need another one for my smart sim, now neglected.
two new computers... 2.8 Ghz, 200 GB, 384 kbps, freecell programs for adults.
swiss army knife... 10-20 valuable functions, respectable durability.
silver-framed glasses... with new scratch-free and high grade lenses!
acoustic guitar... baby bro' dropped the old one on the floor.
own room... need suitable place for all my trash...
legitimate girlfriend... a big joke, but still part of the wishlist...
world peace... on the long run, this might happen... just might.

p.s. i'm not really expecting anything... so thanks, if ever. (",)

2005-12-04T18:43:00.000+08:00

halt... before my christmas wishlist, might as well give you an idea what happened to me the past few weeks.

you know i've just gone under a two-week blogging hiatus, so i'm trying to resurrect my stagnant internet life. i hope you understand. this won't take long.

last saturday we had our quarterly sportsfest... i mean, they had. avogadro-2 was nowhere to be found, maybe except during attendance-taking and one volleyball match.

midway past that event, the pta board called for a congregation to talk about certain expenses for some upcoming events. this resulted into an indirect verbal altercation between students and the aforementioned board. by the way, i sarcastically thank ms. awitan for siding on the parents' views but not taking into consideration our opinions.

and to those parents... thank you for undermining our capability to act morally upright due to the fact that we're mere kids. thank you for not thinking about those ill-fated students who in reality can't really pay 4,200 pesos due to more important liabilities. and lastly, thank you for taking precious time off our sportsfest.

anyway... that was my sportsfest. go ask someone not from avogadro-2 to tell you about what really happened.

then, later that night, the family ordered from pizza hut. after forty-five minutes and no pizza, my father was vociferously torching the phone mouthpiece and the receiver at the other end... maybe you've heard about that thirty-minute 911-1111 guarantee, so you get the point. when the pizza did arrive, 'pop bent his frustration on the delivery guy, who really had no fault (the call center gave the wrong directions and forgot to tell him to bring change).

in the end, i had to pay the whole package and send a blunt message ("bulok na sistema niyo!") to their call center through the motor dude. at least next time around, we have a free pizza. i just hope they won't add poison in the dough... kidding. and mind you, the quarter-hour pizza was still good...

now, for a three-in-one history, genetics, and skin tissue lesson:

asthma is a congenital disorder, and so is scoliosis, though i'm not really sure. insomnia and anemia are not, as well as seasonal depression. i don't know about astigmatism, but i have all six of them.

a stray basketball rammed into my right cheek and glasses while i was walking home two weeks ago. it left me with a scar near the right eye and a distorted glass frame. a day after, i suffered two burns after being "branded" by two of my friends, using frictionally heated metal wires.

during the sportsfest i got two small scars in my hand, as i dived for a dropping volleyball.

three days ago i acquired another scratch and two minute bruises as i was hacked by a friend while playfully "driving" to the basket on a fake reverse layup, no thanks to my already distorted glasses (which caused the deal).

this week jason and ronald remembered to do their "math assignments" and started torturing me once again with their occasional jabs and master locks, thus the return of apparently invisible but mildly painful bruises.

most recently, my right thumb is aching for no apparent reason, and my younger brother "stabbed" me at the tummy with an unused water pipe. since i had my clothes on, i only suffered a mild scratch.

add to that my recurring bouts with the six aforementioned disorders, i'm really in for a very long and happy christmas season. how do i manage? uhmm... i don't know. (",)

back at school, we have the usual: english presentations, filipino unit tests, ap summatives, and math mind bogglers. add to that the newcomer student teachers, maybe we should hope for a change, for once...

so long for now. i have to set up the christmas lanterns... *finally, after eight long years of nocturnal dimness during the yuletides...*

*up next: the wishlist. i'm dead serious...

2005-12-04T18:03:00.000+08:00

chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

tis' the season to be jolly! goodness, it's just 21 days, 2 hours, and 30 minutes before christmas... and i really feel it, no thanks to the blazing lights engulfing the abode next to us, to the green-and-red color combinations that's part of the latest fad, the long queues formed on every place necessary, and the constant reminder of our adviser *pfooey* about the classroom decorations.

and knowing that the advent of this season brings economic skills and thriftiness, maybe i should present my personal wishlist this yuletide... later. but before i start about the difference between "kris kringle" and "exchange gifts", which is essentially nothing, maybe i should tackle on more serious matters, like...

"4 o' clock sa covered court na ha!"
"lakad na lang tayo papunta!"
"game, first note!""joooooy.... joy!"
"ayyy! wala sa tono! eto, pakinggan niyo... *pindot sa mini-piano.* ayan gets nyo na?"
"gab, libre naman ng fishball diyan o?"
"ano ba wala munang gagalaw!"
"hala, paos si arvie!"
"ano, tatanggalin na ba natin si ceña?"
"avo! makinig naman kasi kayo diba?"
"teka, ayusin natin yung dynamics natin, kasi puro pa-pa-pa lang yung naririnig sa recording..."
"o wala munang uuwi, hanggang 6 tayo!"

yes, you heard it right; this is the time when we sing our voices out to oblivion, when we fine-tune ourselves for the welfare of the whole body. welcome to our fourth (and probably, last) carolfest practices, held on the pag-asa covered court during weekdays, 4 to 7 in the evening.

the venue itself is a problem; first of all we hired the place for 100 pesos per hour for 10 days, which is quite.. costly. then the resident people are other factors as well. they come to the court to play streetball, only to find out that they will not be allowed to enter the gates... that kinda sucks for them. so rather, they force their way in the court and spit on each other...

but besides that, everything is on smooth sailing, i presume. as of yesterday, wednesday, we've just completed the english and tagalog songs, and are currently on the polishing and choreographing process. excluding some minor casualties to voice loss (it won't really affect the overall performance) and memory gaps (concerning lyrics), we're on the right course... hopefully.

of course, this is all made possible by our dearest instructor, ate tin, from the UST observatory of music. a full-pledged soprano, she had amazingly little difficulty in teaching the basses and tenors. if she'd been more consistent, however.... i mean, forget it.

and by the way, she knows her German (where w's are stressed as v's, and r's are commodities) too... proved by her flawless version of Ode to Joy by Friedrich von Schiller/Ludwig von Beethoven...

freude schoner gotterfunkin
tochter aus elysium
wir betreten feuertrunkten
himmlische dein heiligtum
deine zauber binden wieder
was die mode streng geteilt
alle menschen werden bruder
wo dein snafter flugel weilt

and another thing - i'm a bass, so don't be surprised if i ever include in my wishlist my aspirations of being a tenor (go ahead, laugh!). just kidding...

i'm just hoping that we'll be able to steal a win from our counterparts, because the fishball peddler consumed twenty pesos of my daily allowance, and it really was worth it... too bad we won't be heading there anymore... i think. that said and done... good luck to everyone.

*coming up: my personal christmas wishlist. prepare yourselves... hahaha. (",)

2005-12-01T20:50:00.000+08:00

now, where were we?... ahh, yes. enter. day three, science week.

so you might ask - what IS sci-dama? well, technically it is a game of reverse checkers with a touch of math and thermochemistry concepts. with every capture one might garner points; the one with the lowest points after the end of the game wins. sounds fun, do you think?

anyway... there were six players, one from each section sans fleming. the end result: me, reynan (becquerel), nikko (curie), and don (darwin) garnering identical 3-2 scorecards, lorenza (einstein) at 2-3, and raul (edison) with 1-4.

so technically, it was a four-way tie for first. however, due to persistent demands by the organizing teachers, they instituted another round-robin stage. i was stamped out by default because i was called to practice for the carolfest, thus i ended at 4th. not that i cared...

next day was scheduled for the local science quiz, me being part of it too. i was assigned to group 5... which consisted of me, kristian (avo-3) and two others, from the first and second years. after two-and-a-half hours of not-so-easy questions, audience participation, and mild scoldings by environmental science teachers, we ended up in fourth, missing by a few points. [now you see the beauty of the number "4".]

lastly, there was this typical search-for mr.-and-ms. science model students. we weren't able to join the said event because we lacked trash; the ones who were able to get in had lots of junk stacked somewhere, most probably...

it was a three-to-four hour event, and we spent half of it ridiculing the master of ceremony (a homosexual biased freak named sir diaz) the flimsy costumes made of indigenous materials (in layman's terms, trash and trash bags; name it? they have it - from glistening bottle caps to scratch papers to cds to betamax film reels), and lastly, the contestants' certain... uhm, talents. ever heard of a fully-out-of-sync version of crazy for you, or seen a trio of frustrated ballerinas, i mean, dancers? how about out-of-the-question answers from supposedly intelligent science models? i did, and it gave me some heartful fits.

so basically, that's my last science week here in quesci. the best thing is, there was no research involved in anyway, maybe except during the awarding ceremonies... but i'd rather not say anything about it.... see, my keyboard's having spacebar problems, though you're not seeing anything of the sort... ciao! (",)

2005-11-27T21:12:00.000+08:00

'twas monday, science week-day 1, and everyone in avogadro-4 were... either reading Lord of the Flies or El Filibusterismo, playing cards, or lazily dozing off -

hey, wait. tap, tap, tap. backspace, backspace. that was thursday, science week-day 4. flashback...

during day 1 of the aforementioned science week, everyone in avogadro-4 were scurrying here and about, passing and borrowing tools and materials, chattering about tasks, tasks, and more tasks...

"hazel! tapos na ba yun pagtatahi diyan?"
"uy jason, sukatin mo nga ito..."
"sinong magpipintura ng cups?"
"wala nang pintura! paalam kayo kay ma'am, bili kayo sa sm.."
"syet, natahi ko yata sa polo mo jason! sorry!"
"hay, pagod na ako! ikaw muna!"
"aray! buti walang dugo dun sa natusok ko..."
"syak, kelangan ko pa palang bumili sa SM ng LED para sa headgear!"
"guys, bilisan natin, eliminations na nito bukas! dapat magcooperate tayong lahat!"
"toki, anong oras ba pwedeng umuwi?"

these were the sights and sounds during that fateful monday. as you may have heard, we've been preparing for the science mascot-made-from-indigenous-materials contest; the elimination round was to be held the next day, thus the frantic behavior of our dear "leaders."

at the end of that day, we were able to procure an outfit: an exterior silver clothing intended as a space suit, was masterfully support-stitched by... well, stitchers and knotters, me being a part of that contingent... some designed his belt, shoes, and... equipment, all sporting a silver-and-gray motif.

everyone stopped working by 5 pm. obviously it was not finished yet, so we had to do a "bit" of cramming the next morning - a few hours before the elimination proper, which was scheduled at 1 in the afternoon. so it was more of the day 1 scenario until 12 noon.

we looked at our masterpiece [in the form of jason irving rombaoa]: gleaming silver, equipped with an LED-decorated helmet and headgear which covered half of the superhero's face. the body was stacked with [literally] a bunch of junk.

it consisted of an electric fan blade, strips of carton boxes "accentuated" by assorted "tansans", another carton box painted with silver that supported the blade, and a malfunctioning wall clock with punch holes for straw ropes. in one hand he held a computer mouse, arguably his primary weapon...

going lower, we have the superhero's belt around his waist, with a big "A" in its midsection, stuffed with silver plastic cups. in his back are two pairs of multicolor wings from used cellcards, callcards, and credit cards. all these stuff seemed to add heavily to jason's personal weight, thus hindering comfortable mobility...

finally, his limbs were covered by white jogging pants, which was also partially covered by draped silver clothing; his feet were forced into a pair of tansan-and-and-cardboard-and-cloth-tailored rubber shoes, which obviously did not fit into him.

thirty minutes remaining.... everything seems perfect.. but what do we call this one-of-a-kind mascot?

"kailangan letter A ang simula... kasi A yung nasa belt nya ehh..."
"avo?"
"astro...?"
"astroboy!"
"nyeh, ano ba yun, ang corny!"
"eh kung 'a.vo'?"
"aaargh! pano na to?"

then someone arrived at the suggestion "astromon voyanazar, a.k.a. a.vo." due to lack of time, everyone accepted the moniker. now it was time to prepare for a short [10 min.] presentation that we, at first thought was unnecessary, but in truth was a "requirement." we didn't have time for a rehearsal because we were only notified about it an hour before the judging...

whatever. the judges then came: ms. aquino (research), mrs. osorio (chemistry), and mr. almendarez (environmental science); we had to present, rehearsal or no rehearsal. so smoothly it went... i believe...

"the world is broken... " came the ever-so-excellent drawl of our ad lib champion gerald *reminiscent of ramayana, avo-2* "...it was the year 2013."

enter three girls, all carrying books and wearing glasses. "hey, have you ever heard of asthrowmon vooyuhnuhzuhr?" said one.

"stop, stop, stop!" said another in a fairly british accent. "its astromon voyanazar, not asthrowmon vooyuhnuhzuhr..."

then comes the villain, who mocks the threesome and then transformed them into immobile. meanwhile, a young lad silently stood witness to the sequence of events... who then enters... upon realizing the gravity of the situation, he shouts aloud "petrucci!"; a book appears to fly from the audience to his hands... then the guy transforms into...

"astromon! voyanazaaar! astromon! voyanazaaar!" chants the supporting crowd... suddenly empty carton boxes were flying in all directions as astromon voyanazar barged through and knocked down the fragile barrier. quickly, he turned to face the enemy...

freeze.

"through research, chemistry, and environmental science!!! we present to you, astromon voyanazar!!!" came the flawless voice of he-who-explained... after drawing numerous cheers from the crowd, he routinely backs off, as astromon starts to move, and swing his "weapon" in circular motion...

"unnh... unnh... beam of knowledge!!!" drawled jason the great, as he laser-beams the villain (adam) by touching the blinking LED. meanwhile, faces in the crowd were starting to worry...

"waah, yung pakpak, matatnggal yata!" said one, pointing at the heavy pairs of wings barely dangling at the mascot's back. "tignan nyo, natanggal yung sapatos!" pointing at the detached left shoe, which had a hard time being forced into jason's big feet...

"unnh... unnh...advancement punch!... unh... hayaaa!" the mascot then kicked the shoe to the enemy's direction. the flying shoe hit adam smack in the face. the crowd cheered all the more... until finally, the villain was defeated, and mr. astromon started shaking hands with the judges *clearly an unprecedented act...* it was over, for that time being. every avo student was screaming over the apparent success of the ad lib presentation.

after watching other mascots and their respective presentations, the results were announced, and hurrah, we got into the finals *should i retell how hard we screamed upon learning the good news?*, to be held the next day. other finalists were from becquerel, curie, and edison four.

the next day came as quick as ever, and we were doing bits and pieces of retouches and reinforcements, hoping to better the previously good presentation *though most of us stole naps 'in preparation' to the big event.... (",)*. one o' clock afternoon was the start of the finals, and a lot of changes were clearly seen. minutes before, we held hands in tune to a group prayer.... then after, i was called for that sci-dama event, ending any hopes of me seeing the whole thing work out whatever...

2005-11-21T21:06:00.000+08:00

DANGER!: hectic schedule ahead. prepare oneself for the worst. you have been forewarned...

as the christmas break looms faster than ever, the amount of stress heightens for students. no, not because of lack of money or ideas, but because of teachers' abrupt schedule changes. no, i'm not talking about their shopping lists, but of the enormity of the pile of activities supposed to be... accomplished, according to them, yet in all truthfulness, plainly unnecessary.

why? because they want to squeeze the whole lesson plan in two weeks, for their own benefits. thus, this justifies one's scheduling of three seatworks in a day, the relentless disapprovals of most to give their periods for our rehearsals, and to some extent, to teach us how to "correctly manage our time and cooperate with the leaders."

sabi nga nila, "hindi sila KJ." yeah, right.

anyway, my continuous ramblings won't really help or change anything at all, so here i am to give you an idea of what I'm supposed to "accomplish":

tomorrow is the eliminations for the mascot-making contest, as part of the heralded science week, scheduled in the afternoon. luckily, if we get chosen, we compete in the finals... the next day, I will be engaging (note: forced without personal consent) in this sci-dama competition, or in layman's terms, reverse checkers with a touch of thermodynamics. the day after next, there's this local science quiz bee.

and lo, from 4 to 7 after classes we practice for our carolfest. we have three weeks, at the most, to prepare for the contest. this starts tomorrow... add to that the upcoming sportsfest on saturday, which i've assumed i can't attend... and regular classes come friday, and a unit test the next week, plus an individual impersonation activity, and two make-up tests in research and english, and a two-day, 900-peso retreat in tagaytay...

mix them all together, and... voila! a recipe for your personal disastrous pre-vacation, a la carte. mind you, by the way, in the light of the christmas season, we should be a bit optimistic, right? so in that spirit... i choose believe it's better to look forward to january 2006. so long, farewell, i hate to say goodbye... (",)

2005-11-20T21:59:00.001+08:00

Q: Who has control over everything?
A: Fate.

hoy demonyo ng tadhana! bakit naman ako pa, sa lahat ng masasamang kaluluwa na pwedeng pagdiskitahan, na mas nararapat sigurong parusahan?

ano bang kasalanan ko?

walang hiya ka! kung sino pa yung nasaktan, siya pang titirahin mo eh! kung sinong mahina, siyang susugatan? nasaan ang hustisya? hustisya!

gusto nang tumigil nung tao. nakita mo naman siguro anong pasakit ang dinaanan niya diba? kailan ka pa ba titigil?

walang kasalanan ngunit patuloy na nakapiit? isang kahangalan!

hindi pa ba sapat ang sugatan at durugin ang puso, at patayin ang kaluluwa? hindi pa ba sapat na makitang laylay na ang pulso't nawalan na ng hininga?

hindi pa ba sapat na malamang ni isa'y may pakialam sa kanya, na maawa o lumapit man la'y walang nangibig?

hindi pa ba sapat na malaman ng mundo na ang taong ito'y hindi na magagawang makaramdam, ngumiti, o umibig pang muli?

hindi na... dahil sa panlalapastangan at paninira sa kanya'y iyong iniwaksi!

sa katahimikan ko ba'y tingin mong ika'y nagwagi?

o kung maaari, sana'y hindi!

2005-11-20T21:59:00.000+08:00

Q: What is my weekend job?
A: Grandparent-sitting.

oo, matanda na sila. oo, apo nila ako. pero bakit ako? tapos sabado-linggo pa. bwiset naman!

hindi ba dapat ang mga anak nang nag-aalaga sa kanilang mga magulang pag matatanda na ang mga ito? mga anak, at hindi mga apo?

tama? ngayon... bakit ako ang ipagbabantay nyo sa kanila? oo, mahal ko sila... pero may sarili rin akong schedule, sariling buhay.

hay. payagan nyo naman akong magpaliban sa tungkuling ito, maaari ba?

2005-11-20T21:56:00.000+08:00

Q: What is the only constant entity in reality?
A: Change....

...and a whole lot of change for this week. due to the arrival of a relative guest who'll stay in our house for three months, things have gone haywire in our beloved abode since last week.

the old white floor tiles were replaced with new white floor tiles. the pipes wre reconstructed. the bathroom went through an extreme makeover. all the stuff at the master's bedroom (except the bed, its sheets, the drawers, fan, and curtains) were stacked at our bedroom.

from seven in the morning to five in the afternoon, the population density in our territory doubled.

my mom frantically scurried here and there to do floral arrangements and prepare sumptuous dinners on nightly bases. my dad was more paranoid, as our car suddenly broke down while skidding to a halt in the garage. i was relegated to house sentry, eyeing all the workers inside our gates.

come the day of this uncle's arrival, things only went worse; noise pollution had doubled and so did air humidity.

Q: What do I do when I'm depressed?
A: Eat chocolate.

Uncle John finally arrived, officially ending the paranoia, noise pollution, and population explosion" all at the same time... which is good news. and more good news? yes, were you thinking along the lines of "nestle" or "cadberry"?

as of "crunch" time, i've had 7 Crunch mini-bars, 4 Butterfingers, and 5 BabyRuths. and i'm not experiencing any burnout from such, which helps (as i tear open another Crunch bar) because I'm in my recurring state of delirium as I write.

2005-11-17T19:03:00.000+08:00

for my sake, i'd like to request everyone not to read the past two posts. i happen to believe that i was writing those words when my mind was in the subconscious stage. i presume i only have a vague memory of such, and thus should not be credible in any way. thank you.

anyway. the past three days came so fast, i couldn't believe that a lot of things happened in such a short span of time....

tuesday was research day. from 9:30 am to 4:30 pm, except for brief lapses, half of our class came and went through the principal office's door, finishing our respective research projects.

it was not fun, i tell you, staring at a 55-or-so page report which included hard-to-comprehend words, apparently-no-non-sense numbers and figures, and then looking at your back only to find out that everyone was doing the same thing. add to that the persistent ringing of the principal's telephone and her not-so-funny jokes... hell it was.

the day ended with most of us either having back spasms, bells ringing in our ears, hand arthritis, blurry eyesight or mental sleepiness, thus disabling me from elaborating more, so please accept my apologies.

wednesday is for harry potter fanatics. we watched a two-and-a-quarter hours of film reel of "harry potter and the goblet of fire." it cost 180 bucks, and did not really live to my expectations. i'm sorry... but it made me realize all the more that these teachers try to teach us economics the wrong way around...

today, thursday, was... well, a normal school day, perhaps. you know, the typical did-you-study-and-do-your-homework school day. and seemingly, that would also be the case for tomorrow.

anyway, for the moment it ends here, while i let tomorrow speak for itself. (",)

2005-11-15T22:13:00.000+08:00

bwiset. anong nangyayari saken? tumigil na ako diba? diba!!! eh bakit ganito?

oo, masaya na ako. pero diyata't nasanay na yung batok ko na paglingon sa kung nasaan siya?
oo, lumalayo na ako. pero mukhang inaasam-asam ko pa rin bang masalubong ang sulyap ng mga mata nya?
oo, akala ko tutugma ang lahat sa mga pangyayari. tignan mo nga naman, pasimula ng bagong
quarter, tama? magpapalitan ng groupings, seating arrangements, lahat na. pero ba't parang inilalapit pa ako ng tadhana sa kanya?
oo, dinadaan ko na lamang sa katahimikan at di pag-imik. ngunit pag ika'y mag isa, ba't ako nananabik at tila nangangatog para makausap siya?

hayan, tapos ang ingay ko na naman! sabing manahimik na eh!
ano ngayon kung naloloka na ako? eh otistik ka nga, sabi nya diba?

oo, wala na. pareho nyong alam yan.
pero ba't ang hirap magpatuloy sa ganitong klase ng buhay?

tama bang hanap-hanapin ang kalungkutan?
tama bang ipagdasal na sana ako'y masaktan?
tama bang ihiling na ibalik ang nakaraan?
tama bang ibunyag ang nakakalitong katotohanan?
tama bang magpasakop sa isip ng kaguluhan?
tama bang mabuhay bilang martir sa kamunduhan?
tama bang isiping ang pagsuko'y di mapatunayan?

tama ba... tama ba ako???

tama na, gabriel. tumigil ka na diba? kaya tama na!

2005-11-14T21:20:00.000+08:00

Frequently Asked Questions
Updated: 14-11-05

Q: kamusta ka na?
A: humihinga pa po. (isang kaibigan ang nagturo sa akin nito. hehehe.)

Q: masaya ka ba?
A: uhmm... oo?

Q: nag-usap na ba kayo?
A: sino ba siya?

Q: uhmm.. siya... kilala mo yun.
A: ano po yung tanong?

Q: kamusta naman kayo ni....?
A: ayos lang ako! sana'y ayos lang siya sino ba kasi siya?

Q: magbibigay ka pa ba ng regalo sa kanya sa pasko?
A: hindi. sino ba siya kasi?

Q: galit ka ba sa kanya?
A: feel ko hindi. sino na kasi?

Q: ba't di mo siya kausapin? kilala mo naman eh.
A: hay. ewan. di pa ako handa eh. sige na nga. kilala ko siya.

Q: mahal mo pa rin ba siya?
A: ......

Q: o ba't di ka makasagot?
A: teka lang. nag-iisip eh.

Q: sino na ba?
A: wala.

Q: siya pa rin ba?
A: sino ba? waaa!

Q: di ako makapaniwala. talaga lang...
A: eh di wag. ano na yung tanong?

Q: bakit ang payat mo?
A: talaga? hehe!

Q: bakit ang kapal ng eyebags mo?
A: tingin mo bakit, ha?

Q: bakit madalas kang umabsent?
A: sakitin nga ako eh! di ba kapanipaniwala yun?

Q: weh. umabsent ka ba para gawin ang blog na ito?
A: hindi po!

Q: okey. eh bakit bihira ka na lang mag-update?
A: maraming ginagawa eh...

Q: ano ginagawa mo?
A: marami po.

Q: labo mo. bakit ang bakla ng layout mo?
A: hindi siya pambakla ha! umayos ka!

Q: sige nga. ano assignment para bukas?
A: ako pa tinanong mo! ano yan insulto?

Q: may assignment ka na?
A: ang kulit ha! hmmp! wala po.

Q: hoy matulog ka na. anong oras na o!
A: 9:30 po. maaga pa. pero good night na sa iyo.

Q: teka! last na lang! mahal mo pa rin ba siya?
A: sige. magandang gabi po! tulog na! (",)

2005-11-14T19:40:00.000+08:00

this is part 2, i suppose. good evening to everyone. it's been two hours since my last post. told you i'm trying to make up for lost time....

now i'll be talking about today. today is november 14, 2005. today is my seventh consecutive day of presence at school since the semestral break. and take note: i was not late.

and by the way, a very happy 16th birthday to mr. rowell joseph cruz perez. (",)

we had our part 1 of our presentation of "the trial of raskolnikov" in the conference room. i had the first words:

"good morning, ladies and gentlemen. and now, people of russia against the accused mr. rodion romanovich raskolnikov, let us all rise to honor the presiding judge for today's court proceedings, miss anna cabatuando."

that was my role. then i sat down after the judge announced session. then i scribbled stuff into my notebook. just that. i took note of every witness, lawyer, person, teacher, student inside the court. i wrote about important details in the testimonies of every speaker. i tallied the number of times the judge hammered for order: 33 bangs.

then we checked the papers for chemistry, where i got again a passing grade of 30/50. then came filipino, where i got 79/100, good enough for a 91. i'm not running out of luck just yet, see? and see this: math, 34/40. how the hell was i able to do that??? i'm starting to believe in my self now! hahaha! kidding aside...

in filipino i was warned by our adviser that i was neglecting her subject. i begged to differ - i just forgot to bring the envelope with the contents of my book report inside. believe me, please! whatever. come math time, we had the last group game of the second quarter, where we scored a 97. sad, am i? no. that's for another entry, guys. (",)

now... where was i? oh, yeah... after a series of lectures and disappointing answers in ap, we headed to the physics lab, where the periodical test in astronomy was given. i don't remember flunking a test in my elective classes ever, but that could be a serious candidate for the first.

next stop, and incidentally the last: physics. i took notes. talk about change... as my friends couldn't believe that i got a 96 for my notebook. shame on you. just kidding, comrades.

anyway, two days from now, we will be heading to sm north (as if we don't everyday of our lives in quesci! hmmp!) to watch an advanced screening of harry potter and the goblet of fire, which costs 180 pesos. just great. these teachers of ours haven't studied economics, right?

because if they did, they would have known the law of demand. then it follows that they would have studied about the other determinants of demand - the other things that remain the same. two of those five determinants are... tada! individual's income and price expectations.

if they have known these, the next step is to read the newspapers. i mean, hello guys, i am not lucio tan. i am not the son of henry sy. i read the newspapers, and i know that the recently implemented evat just added to the prices of goods and services. i know that the philippines is in a fiscal crisis as of presstime. and i am just a merry-go-lucky blogger who wants to watch a supposedly great movie at an affordable price.

have i made myself clear? truth is, i'd like to watch harry potter, but i could be satisfied by watching it on vcd, a price of 16 pesos, or some time later, when movie tickets won't cost 180 pesos or higher. so bear with me.

lastly, i've heard about rumors that there will be a sportsfest on saturday. if luck would let me through once again, i could play by then.

whew. that's it... for now. (",)

*p.s. happy birthday tomorrow to dana cheska santos and eileen josef felizco! (",)

2005-11-14T18:02:00.000+08:00

so... hello. i'm back. back to school, back from school, back to my old desktop ways.

after a nine-day hiatus from the blogging world due to innumerable time constraints, i'm here again. yeah, you might have noticed that this is my first entry since the semestral break. see how time flies, so fast?

and i'm back to attending school, just like the days of old... after garnering a record-low 60% personal attendance rate, to extenuate the importance...

anyway, i still don't know what to write. everything's a void, seemingly. some fellow bloggers call this phenomenon the "writer's block." maybe that's what happening to me now... hopefully, just.

anyway, look at the time! it's just 6 pm! when was the last time i arrived at home 5 in the afternoon, let alone when the sun was still up? that was time immemorial, i suppose.

did anyone miss me? i doubt it. but for my sake, here's an overview of what happened the past week, in a form of some timeline:

monday, just my first day after the semestral break and after rushing my problem set, i was tasked to do this powerpoint presentation in chemistry. the result? one hour sleep. and by then it was tuesday.

tuesday, i thought we will be able to present that stuff, but then again, due to time constraints we weren't able to do so. that was followed by a math long test. and some other tests, if my memory serves me right. and more tests. and an english fable concerning animals, of course.

wednesday, finally we were able to present the thing and pass a short story about a zebra without stripes. that was followed by mental breakdown right in front of ma'am erpelo during a reporting. and then i started on my physics notebook. hard task, if you'd ask me, as the deadline is friday's. and i used the computer in doing so.

thursday was the start of the quarterly examinations, in particular order: english, math, ap. i thought that for certain, i was going to flunk at least one, for the night before i just worked on physics. i finished the exams first on english and math, but on nothing more. that was way too depressing, proven by the fact that i arrived home 1:35 pm. see? (joke..)

friday. things are starting to get worse, even after nerve-racking chemistry and research (statistics) tests. yes i was able to pass my physics notebook unscathed, but then i remembered that book report in filipino.

in fact, by that time i was just halfway through the novel, and the write-up was to be passed on saturday. talk about cramming, huh? and look what we have for saturday: physics, filipino, and pehm, rumored to be either very hard tests or very long. so what did i do? stay at mcdonald's until 4 in the afternoon. ain't i doing real great?

hence come saturday. i woke up 4 am. after three hours, i was still on the desktop, not even halfway through. i decided that i come late for the periodical exams, risking the fact that physics was the first of the last three. i arrived at school a quarter past eight. and on the way up the stairs, i met the one monikered "buttercup" - ms. awitan, who gave me a bit of a scolding. waving her off, i proceeded to our room.

everyone was fifteen to twenty minutes ahead of me when i arrived. and we lacked an extra paper, so our proctor (incidentally our "master" teacher in physics) had to ask for one in the other sections, costing another three or so minutes. guess how i fared? here it is: second one to finish, passing grade. marvelous!

so much for that. that very night i slept from 7:30 in the evening to 1:30 the next morning, thus automatically skipping my regular buy-the-newspaper errand. as soon as i woke up, dear ol' dad told me that i can have the sun cellular sim card. when will i run out of luck, i don't know. but i hope not!!!

ladies and gentlemen, that was my past week. i was really surprised to find out that my hit counter has skyrocketed, and even my tagboard is getting some responses. thank you everyone... and this is just part one, as i'm trying to make up for lost time. (",) that's all folks!

2005-11-03T22:28:00.000+08:00

bakit di niyo ako ginising?? alas-onse na o!!! wala na. late na ako. aargh!!!

sorry talaga! kakagising lang rin namin eh.

the dialogue repeated itself in my mind like a spinning highlight reel left turned on.

hohoho. bye-bye to my problem set...

as you might know, high school (or at least qcshs) classes "resumed" today. that started by 7 am.

re-evaluating the situation... if i went to school with the mere excuse that i woke up late...

how about if i tell the bald administrative officer that no one told me that there would be classes until thirty minutes ago...

or maybe if i just barge into the school gates without saying a word...

would i be let in, while escaping "punishment" at the same time?

yeah, you got it right: NO.

anyway, i don't remember any law recorded in world history branding excessive sleeping for personal satisfaction a "crime."

all that said and done... i consoled myself through the fact that i was not the only one absent for the day... which means i have crammates...

for a day, at least. (",)

2005-11-02T20:47:00.000+08:00

i'm starting to get sick of these mood swings... even the weather is aligning to my pathetically chaotic plethora of emotions... yeah, and in case you haven't noticed, thank you for taking your time to pass by this site. [don't read the past entries, okay? (",)]

the semestral break... has come to a near close. rumors have it that it was extended a day, but nothing more. off-school goals achieved: zero. nil. nada. zilch.... oh, wait - i finished Fyodor Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment (courtesy of SparkNotes) in a span of twelve hours. that's one.

the said narrative is about this certain selfish dual personality-monomaniac (a psycho, in layman's terms) who kills a pawnbroker for "utilitarian" reasons (utilitarian, which means for the happiness of the greatest number of people, including him self, in some way). the mentally retarded guy eventually breaks down and confesses his crime.

suddenly the 400-page book didn't sound so boring at all... it even started making sense to me. seriously... i felt the irresistble urge to compare myself with him (a thing i fondly do), and was surprised at the striking similarities...

enough said!!!! bah... for goodness' sake, i am NOT a self-proclaimed psychotic... my mind just drifted into the subconscious state unintentionally... maybe..

i hope it's just a side effect of spending too much time under the rain or in front of the computer or on idling under the bedsheets... i should've stressed myself a bit... good thing classes resume tomorrow (according to text rumors)... good night, and good day...(",)

P.S. happy birthday to ma. kathrina aragon herrera!!! :D

2005-10-30T21:35:00.000+08:00

how terrible.

you stopped someone from helping you. what right have you, huh?

this is insanity. no, something real worse than insanity.

you violently reacted when a dear friend was doing everything in her power to help.

shame on you, o gabriel.

that's just plain mean.

didn't you realize until now what that very person had gone through?

that was just blatantly cruel.

she was trying to help. what's your problem?

and come on, you can't do it on your own. can you? NO! that's the problem.

YOUR PROBLEM, to be precise.

yeah, your intentions might be at face value correct, but what you just DID say...

...was tantamount to spitting on her face and telling her that she get lost and forget it!

you just broke your dear friend's heart, and your "sorry" will never be enough.

no, everything's not over yet, but like you always say, things will never be the same.

that's it. so geroff and scram, gabriel. you're a big idiot.

====

so much for my future layout searching. this steely darkness is here to stay.

and admit it, a blogger's life is nothing without drama, damnit.

2005-10-29T15:39:00.000+08:00

oh, so much for my last post (incidentally the 13th). i've gone way too far even from my own expectations. believe me, no single word written there expresses in anyway fictitious or unreal emotions. *sigh.* and i'm starting to revert back to my old dispositions (thanks miles... and all of you too...)

due to that, expect to see a new blog skin, mainly because i can hardly bear those comments about how effeminate (or even to an extent "gayish") this layout is, its user-unfriendliness (some people are still trying to work its way to the tagboard as of presstime), and, judging from my last post, the layout just doesn't fit to my new "lifestyle" (yes, seriously, enough of the drama!)

however, you can do away with those notions of me creating a new site. discard them from your imaginative minds, if you please... hahaha.. i'm still happy, alive, and kicking hard, by the way.
[editor's note: this is my very first post created outside the four corners of my desktop monitor, let alone the metropolis.]

anyway... the past two days were allocated to schoolwork and heavy rains. we, of course with the usual absentee exceptions, met for english, chemistry and pehm group presentations. i myself is also an absentee for today (AP report) because of this trip to the province. and damn, my e-mail account is going nuts, it can't send stuff to anyone.

regarding my sembreak goals... so far none has been achieved. people didn't notice any sign of physical improvement from me, except that i started wearing tee-shirts instead of casual polos for group meetings. and there's relatively no success with regards to my homework stuff (don't expect any progress, anyway).

i hope and pray that this week, the devil of procrastination discards me from being his major liaison officer and stays away from me, because my grades (and maybe my parents) will kill me. happy weekend to us all... happy birthday to justin de ramos and ramon rocha IV... and happy halloween too... perhaps? (",)

2005-10-27T21:38:00.000+08:00

hay. dapat gumagawa ako ng AP ngayon. pero ikaw na naman ang inaasikaso ko.

hmmm... pero... sasabihin ko lang, baka ito na ang huling pagkakataon na ilalaan ko ang panahon ko para sa iyo.

para lang sa'yo.

una sa lahat... salamat... salamat... at maraming salamat talaga... sa pinagsamahan... sa panahon... sa pagkakaibigan... sa lahat... masasabi ko ring ikaw na yun isa sa mga taong naging pinakamalapit sa puso ko.

at gaya ng sabi ko dati... hindi na mawawala ang lugar mo dun. hindi ako mangangako... pero isinasabuhay ko lang yung mga sinasabi ko.

tapos... sorry. pramis, sorry talaga... hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung dapat ko nang gawin ito... kung ito na nga yung tamang panahon... kung tama ba itong desisyon ko... pero higit sa lahat, sorry dahil hindi ko sayo mismo sinabi ito...

wala na kasi akong lakas ng loob para harapin ka, sa dami ng ginawa kong masama sayo, at sa mga masasakit na bagay na nasabi ko rin... sorry talaga at hindi ko magawang kausapin ka tungkol dito...

pero sana maintindihan mo na rin po yung sitwasyon ko... lahat ng tao sinasabi sa akin tumigil na ako sa pagpapakatangang ito... at ako na lang ang hindi sumusuko, kahit na nakita ko na ang lahat ng dapat kong makita, at alam ko na kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin, sa iyo...

at sa sarili ko alam ko kung anong pasakit na dinaan ko at kung anong ginawa ko para maipakita sayo kung ano yung talagang nararamdaman ko...

oo, para sayo yun lahat...

kaso umabot na rin sa sukdulan ang kakayahan kong magtiis, sapagkat kahit gano katatag ang puso, sa huli'y nasasaktan pa rin... kaya sorry talaga...

pero gusto ko lang na malaman mong hindi na magiging katulad ng dati, mula ngayon, ang pakikitungo ko sa iyo....

siguro mapapansin mo rin, lalayo ako, tatahimik... at gagalaw na parang walang nagdaan o nangyari sa nakaraan... sana mapatawad mo po ako... alam kong hindi maganda yun, pero ito nalang ang natatanging paraan na alam ko... hindi sa kakalimutan kita, dahil hinding-hindi ko po gagawin iyon, pero para sa iyon na rin itong mga balak ko...

wag niyo rin pong isipin na magiging madali ang lahat para sa akin, na napakadaling sabihin ng mga bagay na ito... oo sinasaktan ko pa rin ang sarili ko, pero sa huli alam ko makakabuti rin ito, hindi lang sa akin, ngunit pati sayo...

alam mo bang kasabay nito ang pamamanata sa sariling hindi na iiyak muli sa mga napakababaw na dahilan? siguro naman naramdaman mo na rin ang kirot ng pagpipigil ng mga luha, pero kinakaya ko lang ang lahat... at sana talaga kayanin ko...

kaya ayun... salamat ulit sa lahat... intindihin mo sana na hindi ko ito ginagawa dahil may sama ng loob o galit ako sa iyo... wala kang kasalanan sa akin... sa akin lang talaga nagkaproblema, ako ang nagsimula ng lahat ng ito... kaya nararapat lang po na ako na rin ang tumapos...

bahala na po kayo kung mapapatawad niyo po ako, at gagalangin ko ang pasya mo... wag mo sanang kalimutan na kahit anong mangyari, may isang kaibigan kang narito na nagmamahal pa rin sayo, ngunit sa paraan na tama at dapat lamang...

hindi ko alam kung ikakatuwa mo ang mga bagay na kakasabi ko lamang... pero sana mabasa mo man ito o hindi, maging masaya ka pa rin... ayokong mawala sa mukha mo yung ngiting napamahal na rin sa akin...

ngunit sa ngayon... salamat sayo...

at paalam na....

kassandra.

====

sabi sa inyo eh. kalimutan niyo na yung nakaraang post dito ha. ang lakas talaga ng mood swings ko... pasensya na. katotohanan lahat ng nakasulat diyan, wag kayong
mag-alala o magtaka, pero masanay na sana.... (",)

2005-10-26T17:19:00.000+08:00

waw. isang buwan na nagdaan. ang bilis talaga... at andami na nga talagang nagbago. oo, ilang beses ko nang sinabi yan... pero yun lang talga yung bagay na naramdaman ko ng sobra, at yung
napansin ko sa sarili ko...

ikaw ba... napansin mo rin yun? tingin mo totoo yung mga sinasabi ko?... o wala ka pa ring pakialam hanggang ngayon, pagkalipas ng isang buwan? pagkatapos kong magtikom ng labi at manahimik?

hay. ba't ko pa nga pala sinasabi ito sayo? baket, may inaasahan pa ba ako sayo? hinahanap? hinihingi?

....ewan! naiinis na naman ako sa sarili ko. eto na naman eh! napapabalik ako sa dating mga gawi ko. dahil sayo! tsk. pero wala rin namang mawawala sa akin kung sabihin ko ito. wala na ring saysay ang lahat... tama???

hmmm... eto na. alam mo ba namimiss na kita? totoo yan! sorry kung mukha na akong walang pakialam sayo ngayon, kung hindi kita kinakausap o pinapansin, pero maniwala ka saken... totoo yan.

oo, andami na ngang nagbago, pero kung tingin mo kasabay nun ang pagkawala ng lugar mo sa buhay ko, basahin mo ito... corny na kung corny, pero malaking bahagi ng puso ko ay nakalaan pa rin para sayo... at walang makakapalit sa lugar mo dun...

kaya maghihintay lang ako....

====

here ends my first mushy and haplessly senseless blog entry. bwiset. haha!!!! (",) forget what i did say here, if you please... :)

2005-10-24T13:26:00.000+08:00

almost three days gone from our mini-break and so far i've accomplished nothing except maybe break my back over this desktop gadget and sleep twelve hours a day. am i really this hopeless???

jeez. and no one's signing in online. how pitiful.

2005-10-22T07:00:00.000+08:00

today is when the semestral beak officially starts. it will last from october 24 to november 1... then resumes at november 4. semestral break... hm.... we even haven't finished the second quarter yet... just strange...

anyway, for us scientians, a break is no break no matter what it's called, with all pestering projects and homeworks right on the back of our minds. but then again, we can find the time to go our own ways... hopefully.

it's all a state of mind.

so for this week, i plan to make myself healthier. that's my resolve. hey, don't laugh at me! i myself can't believe i'm saying this, but it's all for the best. by the way... i still don't know how turn my plans into reality, so help me God.

then i do my homework. whatever that's supposed to mean... something like reading two 300-page books and one textbook, preparing for a major report, reviewing for make-up quizzes and tests which count stands at seven (if the time ever comes), writing and re-writing notes,
answering a problem set, and gearing up my mind for two essential projects. oh dear.

this is going to be a very long sembreak; even by now i already miss each and everyone of you guys. *sigh.*

i wish everyone a stress-free and happy vacation. cheers!

2005-10-20T19:28:00.000+08:00

i've made a few changes in the site, for the nth time around. most people have a hard time finding out where the tagboard is. and there's a great need for blogging space. but generally, everything's on good condition, which means full throttle ahead.

i was present for school today. a typically normal school day... you know, receiving heavy punches and backslaps, tormenting teasers, quizzes, playing cards, and sharp scoldings.

other than that, i feel too empty and void to say anything. i'm really sorry.

====

before i forget... happy birthday sol theresa echavez! and advanced happy birthday to hazel villaroman!

that's all folks! (",)

2005-10-19T21:29:00.000+08:00

would you be happy... when you surrender your happiness for that of the one you love? when you sacrifice everything and there is nothing in return... would you still be happy?

if you said yes, i would admit i think you're stupid. but come to think of it, if you said no then you can't say you even loved at all....

i took the above passage from a friend's weblog... it is originally entitled "sweet surrender." i've made my revisions, but it speaks of one thing, all the same...

these go to all my detractors and/or critics.

sabi niyo nagpapakatanga ako. oo, aaminin ko na pati ako, alam ko at tanggap ko nang wala na akong pag-asa diyan. tanggap ko na ring nagpapakatanga ako. siguro nga dapat lumayo na ako sa ganitong pilosopiya... pero huli na ang lahat. mas bababa lang tingin ko sa sarili ko kapag tinigil ko na ang katangahang ito. sinimulan ko na, ba't di na ituloy diba? sige, tanga na ako, pero ayoko nang lumala pa. naiintindihan niyo sana.

i hope this is only one of the few times i'll ~~speak~~ write portions of entries in the vernacular language. thank you... good day/night to all.

2005-10-19T20:11:00.000+08:00

hello again! i missed this stuff!

after the first two days of relentless writing my blogging pen vanished for three days. talk about inconsistency, huh?

add this to the inconsistency thing... after a relatively perfect attendance (excluding the tardy
marks) for the past three months, i have rarely come in late again. hurrah?

no thanks to my very queer condition, i've been to school only once since the field trip.

so what? i'm just enjoying my newfound freedom. hahaha.

anyway... lately i feel too intoxicated by ennui. maybe, as time and again i've said, it's just
part of the transition, but life's just way too boring without the drama.

i thought everything would go on smoothly after i had my haircut. but i was wrong...

so when exactly will this adaptation period end? will i revert to my atrocious ways?

i hope to find out sooner... so wish me luck.

to everyone at school, i miss all of you. really.

2005-10-15T23:22:00.000+08:00

this is my 11th straight hour in front of the computer. yes, i've eaten two packs of chips and biscuits and drunk six glasses of cool water, but only that for a day.

and still i'm online; however from this hour on, in the wee darkness of the living room.

every possibility of being caught doing so has been virtually eliminated. no electric fans, no giveaway traces of light (all switches covered by at least something solid and impenetrable by weak light) except possibly for the very dim monitor screen, no noisy keyboard hits (typing speed reduced to a bare minimum), no screeching bedroom doors, no noisy beeping modem.

and if ever dear ol' dad heeds the call of nature, i can always turn the monitor off and scuttle quietly to a temporary refuge. uh... well, yeah, i've been caught a couple of times before... but we do learn from our mistakes, don't we? now i can rightfully say that i've mastered this exceptional art of hide-and-seek.

but you may ask... why? is it insomnia? didn't i ever care for my eye(bag)s? and this late?

no. it's the average nocturnal person's way of life, though sleeplessness may be a factor in consideration. and i still care for my eyes, yea - that's why the screen brightness is reduced to a dim, to prevent extensive damage... and i do have my glasses, remember?

lastly, internet bandwidth sharing is at a minimum in peak hours, that would be around 11 to 5 next day. that means faster surfing and downloading... and i know i'm not the only one having the same mindset out there.

do i still sleep? of course! i'm writing this only because earlier this morning i was nearly caught... nearly. but it was a just a close shave, fortunately.

sheesh, i'm starting to feel drowsy... so much for my sixth entry in two days. i better control myself from now on.

2005-10-15T19:01:00.000+08:00

happy? oh yeah!

depressed? hmmm... maybe...

confused? definitely.

there's something lacking here... a missing piece to the big picture, a lost link between two established and basically opposite realities... what have you...

but one thing for sure... there's something wrong. just look at this blog... the very words i (intend to) say sparks this conflict with the page layout. have i used the wrong skin?

oh crap. when will i figure out how to sort all these things in one box?

i'm starting to feel like the biggest living oxymoron the world will ever witness.

i hope not... nor ever. (",)

2005-10-15T18:23:00.000+08:00

oh shoot. i never knew until now that ~~writing~~ recalling happy thoughts require such herculean efforts, or maybe at least for me... i hope this is only part of a transitional phase in the long journey to real happiness...

anyway, speaking of happy, happy birthday to fellow "writer" and boxing/wrestling simulator jason. he turns (sweet) sixteen tomorrow.

classes resume (for me) on monday, and i've got a lot of catching up to do (not counting the missed lessons), no thanks to the chronic fever boon. let me show you how much...

ENGLISH: start the day right. DON'T BE LATE.
CHEMISTRY: quiz? (maybe i can go on unnoticed until the end of the quarter... hopefully...)
FILIPINO: uh, oh... this IS trouble. finish summary notes - to be passed on MONDAY. and another quiz (shoot.)
MATH: some quiz again... i automatically got a 70 on the last group game.
A.P.: formal and straight ENGLISH debate on monday regarding cancellation of foreign debt. and a very long summative test.
ASTRONOMY: i have no idea. short term goal is to be present for his class (and on time, if possible).
PHYSICS: every second you're away from a physics class would cost you dearly. i still have yet to do that high tower activity.
PEHM: this is a no-brainer. NOTHING (significant... hohoho.)!!!!
RESEARCH: according to sources, i missed one test. i can manage that... try not to imitate the teacher's frequent "OK?" habits.

uhmm.. so much for that. it doesn't make me happy in anyway...

but i DO feel happy. inexplicably happy. exhilariated? maybe. but... it's way different from how i normally felt the past two-or-so years. seriously. maybe i'm exaggerating... but, one thing for sure, i feel strangely... strange. different? oh, let time tell whatever.

i now end this entry with a very common quote in the verncaular: "ngiti na lang!" (",)

====

erratum: the philippine science centrum is located near the marikina riverbanks, contrary to what was stated in the other october 15 entry, a wild guess by the mentally challenged writer. very sorry for the lapse.

2005-10-15T14:26:00.000+08:00

(field trip '05 special entry)

six-thirty a.m., the eleventh of october, year twenty-oh-five. i got out of our car to the sight of a seemingly vast sea of monobloc chairs, white shirts, and blurred faces. i made my way through this crowd, looking for a friend. upon spotting a few, i dashed to their place, then was met by the usual cheers and jeers, like:

"wow, gab! aga naten ha!"

"oy gabriel! akala ko ba magfi-field trip ka sa bahay nyo?"

"ang laki ng polo mo! diba tee-shirt dapat?"

"pare, sasayaw ka ba? sabi kasi field trip eh.. hindi disco..."

oh well, so much for that. they still can't believe that i can go to anywhere on time. and yes, i was wearing a semi-prescribed attire for the event - blue maong pants, and a white polo shirt *i think i've fallen in love with these casual attires ever since...* big deal, huh. i also had with me my blue jansport and grey-and-red adidas bags, containing the day's essentials. and who'd forget their cellphones and pocket money?

anyway, if you still don't know what i'm talking about, here it is... we had our so-called "educational trip" last tuesday. enough said.

man, it was a long day... real long.

so, back to business. it's now six-forty-five, and i've made my way to the queue of avogadro-4, where my dearest classmates were. we were supposed to be leaving by six-thirty *coincidentally the exact time i arrived* but you know us Filipinos nowadays...

finally, all forty-two students were at the bus by seven. yeah, we're half an hour past the schedule. (and the alloted swimming time was trickling down the drain every fleeting second.) as usual, the tour guide was there, and of course the driver, a.k.a. "coach captain". two teachers were with us - one was our adviser, the other a very unfortunate and lonely math teacher (also the ex-adviser of edison-4).

the large vehicle started to move by seven-fifteen. arvie, the class president, was reading sir michael justin caruncho's very *sob* touching farewell message addressed to our class. enclosed was a picture of avogadro-4 sans two students.

then the tour guide took center stage. his name was kuya raymon(d) *sorry*... whose face was quite familiar to most of us (though he shaved his hair bald) because he was also the one who to(rt)ured us last year with the use of his brain's very large memory-capacity. he was quite cool, anyway.

i was seated somewhere in the left side-midsection of the bus with my friend cj... who was noticeably very serene. on the opposite side were abi and kim. i was seated near the aisle - a first (and last) in my four year-term in high school, for i was accustomed to sitting beside the windows. i had this nasty feeling that something queer was about to happen, provided the circumstances, but luckily there was none.

the first stop was... the philippine science centrum in makati(?). it was basically an exhibit of different science brain-twisters and (literal) headturners. there were optical illusions, satellite dishes, puzzles, and merry-go-rounds. after an hour spent there, i wished that i was never fascinated with spinning objects and angular momentum. i had a hard time walking a straight path back to the bus - my eyes seemingly were still rolling side to side and my insides twisted.
then the bus was rolling once again... to cavite. i felt my head still spinning with that rotating contraption, and i struggled to keep straight and upright in my seat. fortunately, that was cured through a can of pepsi and two fox's mint candies. kuya raymon(d) was in his usual drawling self again, so i spent the next few hours of the trip communicating with my friends through the cellphone.

some of my friends bought these synthetic-but-looks-like-something-real-at-first-sight roses from the science centrum. i had no idea that they had those stuff and sell them for five bucks; if i knew i'd have bought one... so i tried wooing some of my friends (read: abi) to sell me one yellow flower for twenty bucks... and mind you, she didn't agree. and that became a topic of interest between us two for the rest of the day. *hehee..*

about an hour later we were at aguinaldo shrine, home of the country's first president (though the place was already renovated last 1998, the philippines' 100th year of "independence"). the sun by that time was scorching hot, and everybody were groping for their umbrellas and caps. it was a good thing that aguinaldo's fortress had a roof.

inside there were a lot of interesting things - two bowling alleys, both twice the length of the average and modern alleys used. there was this groundhog hole leading to a bomb shelter (unfortunately entrance to that area was not allowed). then we had glimpses of the uniforms he once wore, his medicine cabinet, his bedrooms, the house's terrace, his car (a ford something way back in the 1960's), his coffin, and his lavatories.

along the way were hundreds of portraits and pictures - of him, his family, his generals, and all that jazz... i don't have the ability enumerate them all, right?

then there was this photo session outside. what would you expect? the poor victim cameraman was sir tour guide. he shot about two pictures per student's camera, and about a dozen brought their own for memorabilia purposes...

after that brief trip to the Shrine (where i was able to buy this micro-mini bolo thing sold by walk-in entrepreneurs), we headed to this crocodile farm, but beforehand we stayed an hour at the bus to have lunch. bringing the food was tasked to those birthday celebrants ranging from june to september, and yes, i am one of them. the main hits were carbonara and lasagna (pasta party?) and other side dishes included bbq, hotdogs, and shanghai rolls...

after that hearty meal, we made our way to the "crocodile" farm, where the main attraction were *strangely* monkeys (maybe they're converted into croc food, according to a friend). i saw maybe a couple of crocodiles, but nothing else. the only eyecatching thing seen there were these couple of monkeys *forgive me for including this part* making love, or whatever they call that.
next stop was the butterfly farm, where i saw dozens of ostriches and not a single butterfly. how queer, the way they name their farms... oh hell, i don't really know.

by the time we went again up the bus, we were all craving for the pool waters, for the heat was real stinging. and good for us, the next and last stop would be (finally!) island cove resort.

i suddenly remembered that dear ol' dad didn't allow me to swim, but how would he know? so i went swimming, careful not to acquire sunburn (that would be a nasty giveaway). jump in, jump out, stay away from the sun, and submerge wholly underwater once in a while, i did everything to keep myself from acquiring any form of tan. two hours i swam with my "colleagues", and the whole thing worked out fine. i even had my shirt on during the last half-hour of my swimming time.

the pool was almost empty and student-free when the clock struck five. we were supposed to be at the bus BY five. (see the beauty of filipinos and filipino time?) we left island cove by five-thirty, after having the last doses of lasagna... some of my classmates were permitted to change buses. our adviser gave us a loud beating about classroom cleanliness once again during the first few minutes on the way back. one of my cellphones' battery energy was exhausted by then, and thank God i brought a spare, which allowed me to revert to my texting ways the rest of the return trip and endure through the sermon unscathed. when the sun was down, my classmates clamored for a showing of the "horror" (they say so) movie entitled "the ring 2". the show lasted for two hours, and i only had my glimpses because i was still texting here and there.

we arrived at SM north edsa by eight, and we sadly had to say goodbye to our tour guide, coach captain, and shuttle bus.

certainly there were ups and downs for the day. worst moments? none, really, unless we recount the gruesome stench hovering about those "croc" and "butterfly" farms, and the short period when i felt that i was about to puke in the bus after i tried those spinning contraptions in phil. sci. centrum... best moments? island cove! and... the bus. hahaha. but it's true, that the happiest of times in such field trips happen inside our respective shuttle buses. true, indeed.

so there goes my blow-by-blow account of my very last field trip in my four years of high school... never to come again... *sob...* at least we relished and enjoyed these very rare (and final?) moments... (",)

2005-10-14T17:28:00.000+08:00

*sigh.* damn this chronic fever. hey, why's it growing colder? oh, look, it's now raining.

i've been in direct eye contact with this computer since eight a.m... i was able to finish this new layout which you see right now. i've just finished that long entry about our last field trip, just about to publish it. and then i'm doing this one...

three days after that field trip, and i'm still too tired. i think i've acquired seven or so cuts from the rocky gutters of island cove. not that it affects me much, but once in a while they do sting a bit... only adding so little to my already unstable condition. and i'm exerting virtually no effort to rest.

i slept 12:30 last night/this morning.

i had chips and coffee for breakfast, soda and polvoron for lunch - a combined 300-or-so grams for half-a-day.

i haven't seen my classmates for three whole days, and i won't for two more due to the weekend. i miss them so much. however, i don't have any intentions of trying to catch up with the class and its grueling lessons, though i've missed seven-or-so quizzes. and i'm part of this formal debate next monday.

i'm starting to feel like some failure. this depression's killing me softly. maybe depression, for me, is the main cause of chronic fever.

what the hell am i trying to do with my life? i've contradicted all those inspiring passages about me in my blog, all just in one short go.

i guess life's simply about fulfilling your purpose in this world, that which God wants you to do.

so Lord, tell me... what am i supposed to do? now?

2005-10-14T11:16:00.000+08:00

hello! aloha! magandang tanghali!

today's october 14, 2005, and i've just finished my third and newest blog, as you can see, obviously.

kinda strange, isn't it? i know it's a bit "feminine" at first sight... but it's not the thing that matters here, anyway. and maybe you'll also notice the hit counter number has reached three-thousand-something. that's because i used the total number of hits from my first two journals, which accounted for the number, thus retaining the "legacy" of my past... *yuck.*

comments and tags would be gratefully accepted. i would appreciate it if you guys won't use vulgar and crude language, but if you feel like doing so, feel free... (",)

hmmmm... you might be wondering why-the-hell-am-i-doing-this-during-class-hours? i can answer that: i'm not at school. and i haven't been for the past two days, due to this damn chronic fever.

so, that's it for now. looking forward to a good reader-writer-writer relationship with you guys... ciao! (",)